I am never going to be the same.
I have made a few decisions in the past few days that have affected me deeply. One is to name the baby, just in my mind. I don't want to grieve for a nameless child. It feels wrong. If you are loved, you should be named. So if you see me refer to baby "J", you know. (by the way, I also feel he was a boy, so I refer to him as such)
The world looks different. Everywhere we go we see newborns and pregnant women. It hurts. The world hurts me right now. Baby clothes and pictures of babies. Women swollen with life.
I never knew that I could hold this much hurt, and be this much of a vessel for pain. I am feeling everything. I cannot force these feelings down, and cannot make myself ignore them.
I am constantly worried about when Mark's patience will give out, and wondering when people will begin rolling their eyes at my tears and sadness. It will happen. Because I only knew of the baby for 3 weeks, people will assume there was not much of an attachment. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I knew this child, I loved him and held him in my heart long before he was created. I longed physically for him. Held him in countless dreams. Wished for him. Waited for him. And on a snowy Christmas Eve, after celebrating our Saviors birth, my baby was conceived. It was a beautiful way to begin life. Loved before you were even created. Longed for. Made in love.
He was so much to me. He was the hope of my heart. A sibling for Lily. A child for Mark and I to love and hold close. Joy. Happiness. All in one tiny little body.
I won't hold him. I won't count his fingers or toes. I won't sit up with him when he is ill. I won't whisper I love you. I won't laugh with him. Won't watch him take first steps. I won't get to mother him.
This is what is the hardest. I cry and beg God for a second chance. Mark holds me tight while I weep and wail just to have him back. Just a second chance God.
But I know it's not to be. He is gone.
We made a memorial for the baby today. A simple statue of an angel baby sleeping. On a whim on the way out of the store I grabbed a stone that said "Believe". I don't know why really. But it is there, right next to the angel. Over baby "J"'s resting place.
Take care friends. Hug your babies extra close tonight.
