I used to spend a good deal of my time angry and overwhelmed. It happened all the time- I was pissed about something or other nearly always. I spent my time fuming over ridiculous things. I never looked at myself. I never wanted to see what would show up if I did.
My life and relationship with Mark made me see things differently. He made me want to be better...just by loving me and refusing to give up on me, even when I pushed- HARD. He stayed the course.
Four years ago, I decided to stop blaming the world and everyone else for my troubles and to start looking where the real blame was lying- with me.
I tackled those obstacles arduously, with a whole lot of therapy, and even more prayer and faith. I stepped out on a limb and asked God to show me who I could be without my anger and temper. In the doing, I had to go down roads I did not ever want to see again. I had to revisit memories and times that I had repressed and focus on how they affected my ability to just be human.
I am still a work in progress. I still have my days where I don't want to get out of bed, and where I battle things in my mind that I can't share with anybody.
Today I had a good morning. Lily and I went to class, visited with the girls, and came home. As I drove home I was telling God of how happy I am that I have changed into such a different person, and how strong I felt.
Then I walked into my front door, and panic hit me like a ton of bricks. An overwhelming sense of fear and dread. There was SO MUCH to do, no time to do it in. Instantly I felt myself drowning in chaos and feeling my old self rising up through it. I was angry. I was pissed off. I was determined to let Mark have it if I even saw his face coming down the stairs.
I had no idea where all this anger came from. But I stood in the pantry to collect myself and asked God for help. His answer was to bring me a wave of peace, followed by intense sadness. In the sadness he whispered to me of all of the strength he gave me everyday to be a different human being, how he created me anew each day, and how I cannot be who I am without him.
I listened. I simply stood and listened. And I realized I have been smug in my prayer. Instead of asking God for continued growth, I have been informing him that I am proud of MYSELF for holding it together. Well, my strength doesn't come from myself. Moments like I had this afternoon is proof of that. On my own, I am angry and bitter and sharp. With him, I am all I want to be.
I showed my humility but preparing a beautiful lunch for Lily, in taking Mark lunch up as well, and in trying my best to push my sadness and overwhelmed feelings aside and do what needed to be done.
Instead of "letting Mark have it" when he came downstairs, I let myself go and cry and tell him of how I was feeling. How I was missing the baby, feeling pressure, and feeling like I wasn't myself and couldn't pull it together. He, in typical Mark fashion, made it all better and had me feeling like myself within minutes.
When he left to go to the store a few minutes later, I sat in the quiet. I could see, quite clearly, what I needed to learn from all this.
I need God like I need water. I need him to fill me, comfort me, and keep me alive. If he, just for one moment, lets his guidance slip from me, I am lost. Without him, I am somebody I do not want to be.
He has provided me with a man that is so good and kind. He has provided me with friendships. He has given me my daughter. But more than that- he has given me myself. The person I want to be all lies in my trust and faith in him. With him I am free to let go of all of my burdens and simply be.
Thank God he found me. Thank God he keeps me. And thank God he lets me know just how much I need him.
