Some of you may be familiar with MckMama's blog, and her miracle baby, Stellan. Some of you may also know this precious little miracle is currently in the hospital with a serious heart problem. When I heard about this, I was devastated. I fell to my knees in prayer, then after reading Angie's blog, I fell to my face to ask God to save this precious little boy.
I feel very comfortable praying for others. It is not a problem for me to take my prayer time and ask God to bless others, people I haven't even met in real life sometimes. If I know a friend is struggling, I pray. If I know a family memeber is having a tough time, I pray. It is second nature for me.
But God revealed something very profound to me yesterday as I was facedown before him. I begged him to save Stellan, and naturally my prayers went to others whom I know need help. Then, as I always do, I sat quietly and waited to hear. And I was overwhelmed by a need to pray for myself, for my own troubles and worries, but as I always do, I squashed it. It rose up again, along with tears. I pushed it away and waited to hear His voice.
Then it hit me- what if that feeling of desperate longing is FROM God??? What if the feeling urging me to spill out all of my burdens is from him? Encouraging me to let it go, to give it up? The idea of this was enough to bring a flood of tears.
I don't push God away because I don't feel He is capable. But I hesitate to ask him for things for myself because I feel so absolutely unworthy. I have made some very poor choices. I have hurts others so badly. I have lied, I have cheated, I have been unforgiving and unkind. He knows ALL OF IT. Even those things not another living soul knows. He also knows all of my unkind thoughts, petty anger, jealousies. He knows ME.
So how in the world could He love me, knowing all He does? Anyone else would walk away in disgust.
But He is not anyone else, is He?
And I need to step out on a limb, and trust Him.
Don't get me wrong, I trust God. I trust Him for everyone else but ME. Because I feel as if I am unworthy to even stand in His great presence, sinner that I am. With all of my flaws, my unkind thoughts, my bad deeds. I feel as if I don't deserve grace.
Grace. We can't earn it, we can't work toward it, we can't ask for it. It is a GIFT, freely given. Forgiveness. Hope. Peace. All of these things come as a result. But you have to be able to trust Him with all of it, good bad and ugly.
Wow. What a huge and life changing revelation. Through the rest of the day, I kept coming back to the Lord and asking- "Really? Me? You want ME to ask you for what I need?" and always, peace would flow through me and I knew that I had unblocked a portion of my relationship with God that had been blocked by fear and anxiety.
So here it is, a new day. A new way to pray. For others. For myself. A new way to praise God- for everything, great and small. For answered prayers and unanswered prayers. For what I need, if it is HIS will to give it. For peace when I don't understand.
All of this, for just one thing from me- my heart and my love.
A better bargain has never been struck.
