A long time ago, I heard a sermon about seasons. Not so much the seasons of weather, but the seasons in our life when we are growing, either through great change or feeling "stuck". I have had seasons of the most intense loneliness, where I emerged a totally different person because all I did was spend time with God. I have had seasons of feeling in a rut, where going through the motions of life has been the theme. I have had seasons where life changed so quickly I could barely catch my breath.
Lately, I have been going through a season of self inspection. I have been trying to look at my life from God's perspective, and weed out what is unpleasing. I decided a long time ago that the most powerful prayer I could give to God is this: Search me. Look at everything about me, God. If something is not pleasing to you, help me rid myself of it. I have said this prayer daily, sometimes hourly, these past few weeks, and what has emerged is an ugliness I know needs to be cast out of my life, and now.
I am critical. I criticize myself almost constantly. I criticize my husband, my child. I am constantly on a search for the bad, and not focusing on the good.
Ouch.
I don't want to be that person. I've told myself time and again that the people I love should be off limits to anything but my support. I've even created a picture in my head- Lily and Mark, loaded down with those old fashioned buckets with a yoke over their shoulders. Everything I say, they have to carry. It stays with them for life.
But sometimes, I still forget. Kindness escapes me. The bad is glaring, the good is hidden. I find myself lashing out because I am tired and hormonal and achy. I don't think about their feelings in the face of my impatience.
And then I beat myself up for being like this. Vicious cycle.
I so wish I didn't have a critical nature. I look at some women I know, who are so positive and loving and supportive. Their relationships are loving and strong. They don't create conflict where none exists. They don't focus on the bad. I envy them. This is a serious personality flaw I have to conquer.
I guess it comes down to the big, long term picture. Do I want to have a husband who doesn't want to come home? Do I want a man that rolls his eyes and calls me "the warden"? Do I want to be a nag?
Do I want a child who comes to expect nothing but criticism from me? Who knows I won't focus on the good qualities, but the small flaws?
No. I don't.
So here goes another journey. May God set my feet and light my path, and always remind me that as He forgives and doesn't dwell on the bad, I should follow His example.
