I have nothing to say. But God is insisting I sit down and write. Even though I want to go to the fabric store. Or fill up another cup of coffee. Or pee.
But noooooooo. He's all kindsa bossy like that.
And so here I sit.
And so what can I tell you? I am currently sitting here with tissues up my nose. I have no makeup on and I smell rather funky. My stomach is sticking out and my shirt is way too tight.
I can hear my kids destroying their playroom.
But here I am Lord.
Obedient.
The picture of obedience. With tissues up my nose.
Ahem.
*twiddling thumbs*
You are afraid to be still.
Oh Lord.
Yes I am. Terrified of my own mind and what goes through it when I allow myself to rest. On a constant treadmill of go go go stay ahead of all of it.
Afraid to fail.
Afraid of being labelled lazy.
Afraid to think.
Afraid of myself and my thoughts and my own muddled imperfect mind and judgement.
AFRAID AFRAID AFRAID.
Afraid of the flashbacks that come.
Afraid of failing my children
Afraid of being 100 percent who I am, because what if I fall on my face?
Oh Lord in heaven, yes yes, I am afraid to be still.
And so I sit here. With this fear.
And in the space of hitting the space bar I have had 10 thoughts.
WhatarethekidsdoingIneedtocleangetupanddosomethingthehouseisamessyouareamessbeproductivehwyareyousittinglazylazylazy.
Yes, yes Lord. I am afraid to be still.
But it is in the moments when I slow down that I can commune with God as I feel I should. When I am sewing, watching stitches line up in rows. When I am cleaning, making my world neat and orderly. When I am vacuuming or dusting or writing, I feel Him.
But the moment I stop.
It all goes nutso in my head. The chaos ratchets up. The incessant murmuring that implores me to keep going, be more, do more, see more, be better, no failing cranks up to operatic proportions and I cannot see God for my own mess. It is like trying to reach through a raging ocean to touch Him.
And I cannot calm it.
So here I am. Afraid to be still. Afraid to be.
Afraid to be.
And this is what God has wanted me to say for so long. To recognize for so long.
I am afraid to be still. And that has to change.
Psalm 46:10
“Be still, and know that I am God"
