I feel like I am on the edge. Standing, toes over the line, between darkness and light, looking into a long tunnel of suffocating unknowns.
I am standing on the edge of what terrifies me, a journey through something I cannot control with changes I cannot anticipate.
It's light on the other side of this tunnel. I know it, with a profound certainty that only comes from God.
But this darkness before has humbled me. It has forced me to confront just how much I need to control everything- how hard it is to surrender.
I am terrified of the surgery. Scared of others having control of my body, of hands opening wounds in my stomach and rearranging my insides. I'm scared of waking up in pain. I'm scared of being alone in the hospital.
I'm scared. And I don't get scared very often. I don't feel fear over much of anything. If I am anxious, I take control over the situation.
But I can't do that. I have to trust other people. I have to commit my body into the hands of what I have been told is a brilliant surgeon. I have to close my eyes and allow myself to sleep as I am being operated on.
And everytime I think about it, I can't breathe.
But I know, I know, God is in that darkness. That He exists even when I am asleep and cannot call out to Him. That even in the midst of my terror and uncertainty, He stands beside me.
After all, I am a believer. And we have been given words for these things-
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7)
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. (Psalm 55:22)
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. (Psalm 94:19)
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139:23-24)
And I believe that God led me through this entire process, from beginning to the end. He went before me into this, allowed me favor with the doctors, the insurance, and the hospital.
And I have no doubt that He will be with me, guiding my surgeons hands, watching over me as this life changing procedure is done.
But my humanity cries out with fear. I am here, on the edge. At any time I can back away from this.
But if I do, I walk way from health. I walk away from something that can only help me to be better, freer from the things that take my focus from God. I am shackled right now, held deep under by this body that causes me shame and keeps me from living the life I want to.
This surgery frees me from chains I have wound around myself. It will be the greatest tool I will EVER have to be healthy and free.
So.
Tuesday morning, I will be terrified. I will be tearful and I will be anxious. I will stand at the mouth of this darkness trembling with fear.
But as I walk forward, His hand will touch mine. And He will lead me through to the light.
