There is so much I want to say, and no way to say it. No way to form my mind around what I am feeling.
I'm trying to push through. But these feelings wont leave me alone.
I'm angry. And I'm disgusted with myself.
I thought I was loving in a healthy and productive way, but I have betrayed myself into thinking I was more important than I am.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I get past these issues? Is this going to haunt me for the rest of my life?
Mommy issues. Abandonment issues. Daddy issues.
Jesus.
I've loved how I wanted to be loved, instead of loving others as they NEEDED TO BE LOVED.
I have been overprotective and fucking smothering. I have been fierce when what was called for was gentleness.
Because that's what I always craved- to be protected. To be stood up for. For somebody to stand in front of me and say- no further.
I've imposed myself and my issues into others lives with no regard for their own needs. Just pushed and called it love.
It's so messed up and tangled and wrong I can't even grasp it.
I want to love others. I want to give. I want to be generous.
I want to fix everything and everybody. I want to take the misery away.
But that's not my place.
I can't fix anyone and I can't fix anything but myself.
I've done a poor job of that so far.
And the deluded thing? That I thought I was doing so good, and so well.
I've been pushy and overbearing. Depsite my intentions to just be...loving.
Oh hell.
How do you even fix something like this? How do you fit a round peg into a square hole? How do you love people as they need when you can't see past all that YOU need?
I don't know how else to be.
I've asked for refinement. Begged in my heart for God to change me. Change this heart- make it less fierce. Make it softer. Make it less...myself.
And nothing changes. I still wake every single morning wanting to love the hell out of and fix the hell out of everyone and every situation.
And nobody needs that. And it's not a good quality.
People, in the end, don't want to be saved. They just want to be loved.
But it is...me. For better or for worse. It's me.
It's me.
And you know what else? I'm tired of being strong all the time. I've held so many others up- helped as much as I can. Even if I went overboard.
Sometimes the strongest break the hardest.
I am surely broken.
And I'm weary.
This hurts. It hurts to love and be loyal and not get it in return. It hurts.
Even those that seem strong need to be held. Even the fiercest need comfort.
Even those that can and do defend themselves need protection.
People who love the hardest need to be loved hard too.
But there are seasons in this life. Of loneliness. Of feeling lost. Of feeling as if you will never be whole or right again.
All of these valleys surely lead to peaks. The darkness becomes light.
I'm waiting for the light.
