We have had an emotional couple of days around here.
Little miss has been alternatively sad, tearful, upset, withdrawn, and quiet.
Too quiet.
Yesterday we went to the park. She rode her bike. Halfway through she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "I'm sorry mommy, but my legs hurt." She then began crying.
I was torn. Do I encourage her to keep going so she can experience success? Or do I stop her, sit down on the cold pavement, and hold her?
I wanted to hold her. But I told her to keep going.
She did. She made it. But she cried the whole way.
The way home was way worse. She made it, again, with tears the whole way.
And in my heart I just kept praying..."Lord, be near to her. Be in her heart. Encourage her not to give up when things are hard. Help her to know it is so so worth it when you finish."
When we came home, I went to hug her and she stepped away.
"Mommy, I just want to go to my room and be alone."
I was floored. She has never ever not allowed me to comfort her.
I let her go, watching her through my own tears.
I sat just outside the doorway of her room, listening to my baby girl cry.
And my insides felt as if they would burst. My heart was in my throat. My own tears fell.
Soon the sounds of crying subsided.
I went to prepare dinner as I waited for her to come out.
And when she did, she was still tearful, but strong.
"I'm okay now mommy."
And she was.
This morning she was fragile. Quiet again.
I drove her to school, looking back at her a few times. She was staring out the window.
And my heart just wrenched...wondering- is this the point then? Is this where biology takes over and she becomes unstable and depressive? Is this when the bad cells I have passed to her make themselves known?
And if so, I will trample the world and anyone in it to make her better again. To make her soul and body a place she can live in with comfort. I will stand between her and whatever this is. I will take it on for her, and never stop until she is well.
I armed myself for battle in those minutes. I strengthened myself against feelings of self hatred for passing this monster into the sweetness of my girl's soul.
And then she spoke.
"Mama?"
"Yes love?"
"I was having a bad day yesterday."
"Yes."
"But today the sun is shining in my heart."
She got out of the car at school. I watched as she ran onto the playground. She stood for a few long seconds, pressed against the blue sky and the bright sun. Her back was to me.
Was she uncertain? Was she sad? Was she worried?
I prepared to get out of the car to check.
And she turned toward me, eyes lighting up as she saw a friend. They latched hands and ran toward the bright sun, laughter like music from their lips.
And God whispered into the dark recesses of my thoughts:
"Go. I am with her."
And I did.
