Fortress

So I wake up this morning and flip on the news. Here is still photos depicting an enormous freighters being attacked by pirates in...yup, small speedboats. You know the kind- like your cousin Larry uses to go crawdad fishin in the bayou.

Okay, so they have guns. But c'mon- it's a freighter! It's carrying tanks for God's sake. Surely these speedboats pose no threat.

Only....yup, you guessed it- they are negotiating with the pirates. As we speak. From a freighter. To a speedboat.

It occurred to me that this is in some ways a huge metaphor for faith. Here we stand, in a mighty fortress. We are protected...not from everything, surely, but we feel safe. We feel held. We feel secure.

Then along comes the world and it's dark troubles and we panic. Even though these troubles are small in comparison to our God, we still stand at the deck and look about with fear. There is steel and security around us, but we often don't rest easy in those boundaries- instead we look out into the water, into our troubles.

It is a sad state of reality that often the speedboat seems bigger than the freighter. But that is a manner of perspective isn't it- when your eyes see only outward to the threat, they are not seeking the security of the known savior.

Faith is defined many ways in the Bible, but the word fortress is used again and again. Faith is a defense against the world, against our own disbelief, against despair. It is meant to be used, it is meant to be utilized. We are meant to run to our fortress and feel safe. We are meant to shelter from the stormy waters.

And when the speedboats arrive, we are meant to go inside, close the hatches, and find peace.

Brave

Today I had two really profound experiences. One was with Emily, my dear friend, who out of the blue today turned to me and said "I am always so comforted when I walk into a room and you are there."

Now I could have simply said "Oh thank you! You are so sweet!". But that was the old me. Instead I looked her in the eyes and said "I love you Em. Thank you for telling me that." and then I hugged her. And we both got teary. And it was good teary. Comforting.

I am not used to being loved like this. But I feel like God really knew what he was doing when He chose Emily to come into my life. She is honest, nurturing, caring, and thoughtful. The things she says stick with me. She's not afraid to say the things that other's don't. She has taught me to be the same- to put myself out there.

I was at Wal-Mart this afternoon, shopping for produce. Lily was in the cart, looking incredibly adorable as always, and an older lady walked by. Lily reached out and touched her arm. The woman stopped and chatted with her. They said hello, they shook hands, Lily gave her the grocery list, she gave it back, Lily blew her around 3000 kisses and we went on about our buisness. About 2 minutes later the woman rounded the corner again. She had tears in her eyes and her voice was shaking. She said- "I just need to tell you this. I lost my mom 2 weeks ago. She just loved little babies." her voice broke, and I held her arm "I really feel like my mother sent your daughter to me, because she knew I would notice her, and she just sent me such joy and love and kisses through her."

I was, of course, crying.

And then I decided to be brave. I wrapped my arms around a total stranger and gave her a hug. I didn't even have to say anything. I felt her pain. It is the same pain, whether you are 18 or 80. We parted with a quick goodbye, but I will never forget that moment...ever.

So here it is. The house is quiet. The day is nearly done. I have time to reflect. And what I think is this- two women taught me alot about bravery today. Two women taught me a deeply profound lesson about who I want to be. I want to be brave...I want to say what matters. I want to say the things that open people up. I want to let those I care about know that they are important to me.

I want to say the things people will always remember.

Thanks, Em.

April

Dearest April,

My oldest and dearest. My bestest. My sister, my friend, my confidante, my sometimes ass kicker. I love you to the moon. No new circumstance or new friends could ever change that.

I know you said the other day that you are little jealous that my NC friends get to spend time with me. I love them also...but it could never be the same as what you and I have. You have seen me at my best, my worst. You have cried with me, been silent with me, laughed your crazy ass off with me, and loved me for 16 years now. 16 years! You know me, and love me anyway.

I was reading something the other day that said a true friend completes a part of you you didn't know was missing. That is so true of you and I. You have completed my life, my family, my sentences, and made my world a better place. You are loyal. You are true. You take me as I am.

You were my first phone call when I found out I was pregnant with Lily. You came after she was born and at cheesecake with me for a week. You held her while I slept. You kissed her sweet head and marveled over her as if she was your own. And I did the same with your girls.

I will never forget when you came after Lily was born. She was 5 days old, and I met you at the airport. You walked out and I stated immediately crying, and so did you. You were the first person besides Mark I shared her with. I will never forget those days, never.

I will never forget cruising with you, getting Pepsi at Gas N Shop, working at the care center, partying in corn fields, going to Colorado in my dad's RV, going to the lake and frying ourselves, crying over boys, fighting and never being able to stay mad at each other, and picking up right where we left off even if we haven't spoken in a while.

You are my best, my happiest, my most, my sister at heart. Never, ever think anyone can take your place.

I love you bunches.

Ramble on

It is so good to feel creative, feel useful, and to create something tangible with my hands. Everything from picking out fabric, ironing each hem and seam, the rush of the needle over the fabric...all of it soothes me.

It feels good to make something that people like. That they comment on. I take pride in the work of my hands. I take pride in being creative and using my brain for something other than "Do we have broccoli or corn tonight?"

Motherhood is brilliant, don't get me wrong. But it is also tedious and wearing. And many times I feel as if I am lost, drowning in everyone else's needs, and never meeting my own. I love my family, and I love being home with my daughter...but sometimes I look around and think- "Really God...is this all there is?"

And then, as if on cue, Lily laughs and I don't need Him to answer.

Life is funny. There was a time in my life where I thought I would be alone forever. There were wonderful and not so wonderful men who came into my life whom I thought I would be with forever. There was lives I could have chosen with just a small push, a different turn, a well spoken word. All of those lives stretch behind me now like a roadmap of where I have been. But where I am going is so much more appealing now, that my eyes rarely turn back. Okay, they do, but it is to simply mark how far I have come.

I've been struggling with a sense of purpose lately. The whole crisis of "Why am I here...what is my purpose." Yeah, I know it's totally cliche. It's silly. It's ordinary. But it is. I a struggling. I know what I am- a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend. But what else am I? What else am I supposed to be? A writer? A sub-par seamstress? A paleontologist? I just don't know. Like everyone else, I feel less that stellar at most of my roles. I am not the wife I wish to be. I am not the mother Lily deserves. God knows daughter isn't one of my key titles. And friend- well I think most of the time I get that right- but even that is backwards- why be a good friend if you're not a good wife and mother?

Don't be worried for me. All of these thoughts and feeling are nothing new..probably not even to you, my 3 faithful readers. We all struggle. We all push through. We all wonder and wish sometimes. It's human. It's human to struggle for happiness. It's even human not to recognize happiness when it is on your front step.

Tomorrow when I am walking in the park, laughing at Lily's crazy antics, making dinner with my husband, calling a friend on the phone, or drifting off to sleep, these thoughts will be forgotten. But the carousel of worry and regret will keep turning for me...for all of us. It's what we do while we are taking a turn on the ride that counts.

A shameless plug...

(the model was less than willing, so bear with the bad pics)

My dresses! I must say, I love them, and not just because I made them. First of all, they are completely adjustable in length, due to the bows, they can be worn alone in warm weather, or over a long sleeved shirt/turtleneck with jeans or leggins in cooler weather. The are nearly one size fits all, as little ones can wear it as an ankle length, tea length, or knee length dress, and older girls can wear it as a tunic or blouse over pants.

Plus, I am SO tired of putting my daughter in the frilly pink choices that everyone seems to have for dresses. I love these prints because they are unusual.

I am also making the more traditional pillowcase dresses!

I have washed several of these, and dried them as well, and they hold up beautifully. The only caveat is they must be washed on cold for the ribbon to hold up well. They are completely colorfast and stains come out easily.

Since they grow with your child, they can wear them for quite a while!

So, I hate to use my blog to plug these, but what the heck. They aren't necessarily a way to make money, although that is nice. I am making them mostly because it's so dang fun!

Let me know if you are interested. I plan on making several in the next few weeks!

*more pics to come later...hopefully Miss Thing will be better behaved! :)

Here's the thing..

Okay, to the dozens...errr..tens...okay 3 people who keep up with my blog- I am sorry. I have been caught up in my new obsession- making dresses. Yeah, I know...how talented can one person be? Admire me if you must. Ahem.

Anyway, I promise once the obsession winds down, which it probably will do once I have sunk at least 500 dollars into fabric and supplies, I will be back with more regularity. Until then, pine for me, dear faithful readers.

After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

:)

Never forget.

9-11. A day my life turned, abruptly, on a dime. I've written before of my decisions after 9-11, and it does not bear repeating. My pain at that time was nothing, nothing, compared to what those families and victims felt. Nothing.

After I moved back to Nebraska shortly after, I spent alot of time alone. One day while surfing the web I came across a list of all the known victims of 9-11. I printed it out, and for nearly a year, had it with me at all times. I prayed over it, ran my fingers over the names so many times they were blurred by my fingerprints and tears. I felt in my soul that I owed my life to these people.

Seven years later, I still feel the same.

My life is a 180 from what it was 7 years ago. Where I was weak, I am now strong. Where I was compromised, I am now strengthened. Where I was silent, I now have a voice. Where I was alone, I am now loved. The woman I was then is gone, utterly. I pulled myself relentlessly toward change and growth, and I am who I am today because I let 9-11 change me and the direction of my life.

I think of 9-11 everyday. I think of the people who perished everyday. I watched as some of those people jumped to their deaths. I watched as the buildings came down. Little did I know my future was standing on the shore in Brooklyn, looking across the water at his beloved city in chaos. He was watching too. Life changed for both of us, making us both more open to embracing each other.

I will never, ever be glad 9-11 happened. I will be glad, however, that I opened my eyes that day. That I got up off the couch. That I took at good look at myself- at my bruises, at my blood. I am glad that something in my mind said "No more." And I am beyond glad that on some distant shore, my future husband opened his heart up to living life more fully, and in doing so, was able to love me when I came to him.

Seven years ago today, I took a step into the future I am living now. I hope I continue to honor those victims, by living fully each moment I have left.