Prayer request....

Quite a while ago I ran across a blog I couldn't stop reading. The story is amazing- of a mother who was living with the uncertainty of the health of the baby she was carrying. She was told he was very sick, had a heart condition, and would surely die within days. At this point she was around 24 weeks along.

She is now full term, and set to deliver tomorrow. This is nothing short of a miracle. Her child is not only living, but thriving, in her womb. Although what will happen tomorrow after he is born is still a mystery to us on this earth, God know exactly what the future holds for this tiny little fighter.

Please pray, send good thoughts or good energy to this strong and courageous woman and the little miracle she is carrying.

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Thanks.

Welcome to my world...

So, here is a stream of conciousness review of my day....

wakeup ohgodamIstillhungover IbelieveIjustmightbe whereisthetylenol?
ohshitIhavenoidea causeIgaveittoLilyatsomepoint
ohjesusdoesithaveachildproofcap?
yesI'msureitdoes
thankGodbutwhyisitnotRIGHTHERE!?
myheadfeelslikeitisfullofsoakedmarshamallowswithteeth
Getupandpullclotheson deargodisthecoffeeready? thankgod andwehavecreamer it'sgonnabeagoodday f
eedlilydresslilyplaywithlilyturnonashowforlily
yeslilywhatwhatWHAT???
okayoffwego-didIeatanything?
noprobablynotbutit'snotlikeIneedanythingright
goodgodIcouldliveoffmyownfatcellsforyearsatthispoint okaycounterthenegativethoughtswithtwopostiveones
Ihavegoodhairandtoes

Outofthecarandintothestrollerandhihowareyou? saturdaynitewasablast!
pantpantpuffpuffwalkingwalkinglunginglunging didIturnoffthetoasterathome? upanddownandturninglunging
grabyourbandsandsingsing!
Nolilycomebackherelilylily
doyouhearmommytalking
ohforcryingoutloudamIevenspeakingenglish?
gabgabtalktalklaughlaugh lovethesegirlssoluckytohavethem
youwantahat? okaywhowantsoneI'llmakethemtoday

intothecarandhomeagainjiggityjig
yeslilyIknowyouarehungrysoamIbutitwillbejustafewminutes
hidaddycanyoumakeuslunchthankyou
yumyumnotwhatIwouldmakeandnotaveggieinsight
Idontreallycarethoughcausesheiseatingandhappy
intothebedyougolittleonegoodrestloveyou
okaysoobviouslyyoudontwantotnaptoday
yourbedisnowadisasterandyouarentsleeping
outofthebedwegoandintothelivingroomwithmommywhileshesews
nolilynolilyuhuhnonoNO
sighingandhuffingandpuffingandokayfineletsplay
andnowyouareignoringme
ofcourse

makethehats feelthefabric hearthemachine sosoothing
cupofcoffehappybabycooldaywarmtoes
makethepizza,kneadthedough,cuttheonionandthegarlic,pourthesauce
thehousefillswithscent
lilyandmarkplayandgiggle
Ismile
eatingandwatchinghergivinghermorecheese
andshesaysitsofunny chiiisss

bathtimeandcleanupcleanup
andintothecarwithdaddytothestore
andhereIsitwarmandfullwithmyhousequietandsoonitwillbe
niteyniteI'llmissyoulovie
byedaddy
intothecarhegoesfor3days
sniffsniffafewtearscauseImisshimsoalready
andintothecouchwithawarmblankieandtea
watchingnancygraceandthinkingofhimdrivingsolate
darknessandsittingwiththephonewaitingforhimtocall
hedoesandIsigh
intothebedtossandturnandthinkofhimandprayforhim
getupandcheckonlilywatchherforalittlewhile
strokehercheek
cuss,duckandcrawloutthedoorwhensheopenshereyes
offtobedforme
notreallysleepy
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

3 years ago today.....

I am not a big believer in marriage. Yes, I know. I AM married. Hence the pics. It's legal and everything. But no, I am not a big believer in it. I could give you a thousand reasons, none of which have to do with my husband, and everything to do with me. But I won't. They are tedious and, frankly, nobody's buisness. Suffice it to say had Mark not come along I would be the crazy cat lady on your block. Seriously.

I am, however, a believer in committment, in love, and in giving youself to another person. Even when it's hard. And comittment, love and laughter are something I have in spades.

The past three years have not been easy. They've been hard. But, if I could just bottle the joy and the laughter, the ease with which we have with one another, I would be a rich woman. The feeling I get when it's Mark, Lily and I and we are laughing and enjoying just being together. The feeling of sleeping next to my husband, knowing how good and strong he is. The feeling of being my crazy, goofy, moody and vulnerable self, and knowing he loves me despite it all.

He takes me, bad and good. He loves me no matter what. He is patient when I am not, and strong when I am weak. And he is giving, and has taught me humility, forgivenss, and the power of admitting when you are wrong.

So three years ago, we had been together a while. We knew what we were in for. We knew the deal. We got married anyway. :) And now here we are, with a beautiful daughter, and our life before us. I look forward to the next 30 years- to laughing until I pee myself, to fighting until we make up, to the good times and the bad times. To babies and birthday parties, budgets and bills.

I am looking forward to all of it, because he is by my side.

I love you, Mark. More than chocolate. More than music. More than my toe. Now and forever.

In the doghouse...

Something that should be punishable by a beating-

A husband comes home to his wife and toddler after two days of traveling. Upon arriving home the first thing he says is:

"Damn, I'm tired."

Ummm wha?

The wife gives a full half second to thinking if she should smack him or kill him. Instead she eats chocolate. If you see the size of her ass you will know that this particular husband often drives his wife to drown her sorrows with Mr. Hershey and Mrs. Godiva.


Ahh the joys of married life. Ain't it grand?

Too fast...

This time last year, this is how my little baby looked.

These were taken today.

If anyone has figured out how to make this madness stop, please let me know. I've tried not feeding her, but she whines too much, so that's not an option. I've tried talking to her seriously about how the growing breaks mommy's heart, but she is unrelenting. She just keeps getting bigger, sweeter, and cuter.

So, I am open to suggestions on how to freeze time here. How to break the time/space continuum, maybe? Shrinking powder, anything...to keep her just as she is a little longer.

All I heard when I was pregnant and had first had Lily was "Enjoy it, it goes too fast." I would smile and nod, but I never really understood it until now. Just yesterday she was a tiny little peanut, and now she is a big girl with her own ideas and wants.

So yeah, hook me up with the info on how to make this stop. Like right now.

10 ingredients for a perfect fall day

1. Waking up at 8:30 to a snuggly husband, a still sleeping baby, and a pot of coffee brewing in the kitchen.

2. Jogging in the crisp fall air and warm sunshine.

3. Having the perfect grilled cheese sandwich.

4. Singing loudly in the car, and glancing in the rearview to see Lily singing too, the same look of contentment and joy on her face.

5. Having the windows open all day, and enjoying the beautiful breeze on my skin.

6. A hot, sweet, cup of coffee in the early afternoon while watching my daughter play in the grass.

7. Playing in the park with Lily, realizing she is grown enough to slide, climb the stairs, and ask to swing. Shed a few really, really happy tears watching her.

8. Strap 22 pound toddler to my back in the Beco, carry her all over the park without huffing and puffing (including up the stairs, twice!) and realize that I am SO MUCH stronger than I give myself credit for.

9. Watching my baby girl rip into a chicken leg and devour it like a monkey on a cupcake- her appetite raging after playing in the park, running around the fabric store, and enjoying the sunshine.

10. Having a deep feeling of contentment and happiness, sitting in this warm house, with a sleeping baby in the other room, nancy grace on the tv, and a warm cup of tea in my hand.

He's out there, somewhere....

This post is going to sound so weird. I am hesitant even to write it down because I am afraid nobody will understand it, but here goes.

I'm not hiding the fact that I want another baby. That it is on my mind alot. That I feel like our family isn't complete yet. Anyone who knows me knows more kids are in my future.

What I do not say is the feeling I sometimes get, when it is just Mark, Lily and I....and I feel a frantic panic that somebody is missing. It is fleeting, and random, but it happens more often than I would like.

What I also do not say is that not only do I feel somebody is missing, but I feel this child's soul, waiting to be conceived and born. I feel him and dream of him often. I think of him daily. It is bizarre and strange, yes, but I am wondering if maybe some of the other mommies reading this feel this too.

I know I felt it with Lily. I wanted her so badly, and when we finally found we were pregnant, I was thrilled. I also felt her spirit so strongly in the months before she was born. All of the times I lay and put my hand over my belly I felt her speaking to me in her own way. When she was born her face was as familiar to me as my own. It was surreal. It was as if she had always existed with me, in my heart and soul...but now I got to hold her.

So is this how you know you are ready for another child? When your soul longs so deeply for this other person that it brings tears to your eyes? When it is deeper than an idea, deeper than a possibility- and more into the realm of a great sweeping need? I can't imagine feeling this feeling any stronger than right now. My heart hurts in a beautiful way, my throat is tight, my eyes filled with tears. It is such a pure, good, clean feeling that it takes my breath away.

I know this little one is waiting for the right time. I know God is holding him safe for me until our family, my body and his soul are ready. But until I feel him in my womb and know he is here, he is mine, and he is safe, I don't think I will ever shake this feeling of missing him and needing him.

Is that just crazy? Probably. But it is what it is, and I am learning that the more I say about what I feel, the more I find I am not alone in my feelings.

Mark...

Thank you for being so calm, good, strong, and kind this week. I don't say it enough, my sweet love, but you are my everything.

Love you more than my toe,
B

I'm not gonna pretend...

This has not been a good week for me. It's been a roller coaster. I've had a hard time emotionally- and I have cried until my eyes were swollen shut. I've been at times sad, angry, confused, shocked, and then sad again.

I laid at night, not able to sleep...thoughts running through my head. I hurt..my heart hurt. I told God in no uncertain terms that I was angry with Him for encouraging me to trust. I laid it all before him, raised my voice in anger and disappointment. There was no room in my heart or head for my usual praise or gentle prayer. I expected anger in return, but all I got was a huge uplifting rush of grace. I was held, even when I was angry. I was forgiven for my harshness. I was loved even in the face of my rage. He also reminded me in his gentle way of all the wrongs I had committed against others, and that I was not immune to hurt.

All of this allowed me to forgive, and to feel good about it. To feel love and strength in forgiving. To feel love for the people who wronged me, on a deep level, as human beings. They love me, and they hurt me. They have sorrow over it. This allows me to love them even more. It is an amazing feeling.

I have read several of Clarissa Pinkola Estes works. All of them, in some way or another, touch on forgiveness, but her most humbling passage for me is one that is the most simple:

“How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it all.” (Clarissa Pinkola Estes)

This struck such a chord with me when I first read it, mostly because I was not a forgiving person at the time. Now, I know and understand each word intimately.

I learned alot about myself in the past week. I am stronger than I think. I can forgive utterly and completely. I can love others even when they hurt me. I can choose to stand and fight for an important relationship even when I want to cut and run. I will be hurt by those that love me. I will probably hurt them at some point. But as long as there is true sorrow and compassion there is always forgiveness.

Withdrawls...

I'm going through blog withdrawls.

I had a bad experience that nearly turned me off of blogging...but ya know what? Most people get what I am trying to say, and a few people have even told me they feel better knowing somebody else feels the same way. So, here I am again.

I just want to say something first- if I need help, I ask for it. My blog is an indication of my inner thoughts, yes...but I am sure everybody has these thoughts- I just put them out there. Some people drink, some do drugs, some are passive agressive, some are openly hostile. It's all masking built up bullshit in their lives. When I feel that way, I write. And it helps.

And I am okay. If I am ever not okay, I will reach out.

So...here it is.

I'm back.

Today...

I joined weight watchers.

I can hear you saying- but Bella, you are so SKINNY. An absolute WAIF. A Kate Moss look-alike.

Okay, shut up. Quit laughing. It's my blog, and on it I am really skinny. Skinny and able to eat Ben and Jerry's without looking like I am carrying both Ben and Jerry in my jeans.

Ahem. I digress.

I joined with my friend Linda, whom, if you must know, I don't even think needs WW...but I'm not turning down a buddy to go with.

It was surreal. Walking into this room wearing my weight problem on my sleeve, so to speak. I usually try to hide it, you know? If I do talk about it, I make disparaging comments. Make fun of myself. It's painful. But here I was, entering this room with the sole purpose of being weighed and discussing this battle I have been fighting since I was...oh a fetus.

I hopped onto the scale and the kind man wrote my number down on my card. It was just what I expected really- the number. Not shocking. A good starting point.

So I sat through the meeting, got all the information. I thought I would be scared...but I'm actually excited to just be doing...something.

I've seen doc after doc. I've told them all...I don't eat too much. I exercise. Blah blah blah. It always comes down to this- your bloodwork is fine and you eat too much. Well, allrighty. Thanks doc...I'll go home and have some baby carrots. Maybe I'll go really crazy and have some celery too.

*sigh*

Anyway, here's hoping this works. It's my last shot, really. I can't do any more diets. I can't fit more activity into my life. I've been trying to lose weight seriously for the past 4 years. Nothing has worked. I gained 26 lbs when I was pregnant. I've lost all of that, but I have a vision in my head. I don't want to be skinny, cause I never will be. But I want to be fit and I want to be healthy.

So here's hoping this last venture into dieting works. Cause if not, it's a Dorito IV and a size XXL mumu for me.

How long

will I be stuck in my head? How long will the endless carousel of bullshit with my family turn? How long will my father continue to call me, drunk and rambling, and leave me message after message? How many times will I call him back only to not understand his slurred words?

How long will I fight with my husband because I am pissed off at myself? How long will I take out all of my anger on him because it has no where else to go? How far can I shove him before he pushes back?

How long can I keep from my daughter all of the anguish and pain that this f-ed up family comes with? How long can I hide the truth from her? When will she ask- where is my Grandma? Why do we not see Grampa?

How long?

I usually have hope, but today I am fried. My father has called me 6 times in the past few days, leaving drunken messages strewn with slurred words and curses. I called him back just a few minutes ago just to hear him ramble about nothing. He won 11,000 dollars in Vegas last month. He will have to move soon. He's going to move to Nevada. His legs aren't working good. On and on.

I want to approach all this with faith, but sometimes my faith doesn't stretch that far. Fact of the matter is, I have been piss poor cheated out of what everyone should have- family, support, and care. Most days I do without and don't think about it much. But then there are days like this one...weekends, really, weeks...when I just can't find the will to push past the hurt. My mask slips. My resolve weakens, and I let go.

How can you miss something you never had? How can your heart actually hurt and ache for something you know nothing about? How can tears lie useless in your eyes, choke you like a hand on your throat over something you have never experienced? I don't know, but it does, surely as the sun rises.

So here it is. Life keeps going, despite it all. Despite my father drunk dialing me. Despite my mother in the cold ground. Despite walking through this life not being understood.

It keeps going, keeps turning, and keeps hurting.

I want to say it will get better. But it doesn't. It's just a different form of pain. It morphs. It used to be a lonely pain, solitary, like a living thing beneath my skin. Now...God, now it is worse. It is a pain I have to struggle not to pass to my precious baby. I have to slip the mask on everyday. I can't let her see this. I can't allow her to walk through this. She is my joy and my love and my everything. She is the reason I hold it together.

My father is lost behind the bottle. He is slowly robbing himself of life, with every drink, with every moment he cares less and less for himself. I love him. I love him and am losing him. But the sad truth is, I have always loved him more than he loved me. He loves himself more than anyone else, and that has always been the struggle between us. He doesn't care that he hurts me. He doesn't care that his eventual drinking to death will wound me in ways I will never recover from. He doesn't care about all the words that will be unspoken. He will carry no burden. I will.

The well of tears seems to run dry, but there's always a new source. As if on cue, just when I think I have it all together, here comes daddy with his bag of tricks. A drunken message, a hospital trip, a frantic phone call from my brother. Things look grim, things look better. And here I am, waiting for the hammer to fall.

I want not to care. I want not to love. But despite all, I do and I will.

Before and After

1- Before Lily- I used to be smug when I completed a crossword puzzle within a 1/2 hour. In pen, just cause I am hardcore like that.

After Lily- I am smug when I figure out Blue's Clue's before Steve does. (go ahead and laugh- it's harder than it sounds, dude)

2. Before Lily- I was a card carrying nanny nazi with 5 trillion rules for proper child rearing. My motto was -Expect good behavior and you will get it.

After Lily- Yeah right. Chances are if you hear a kid screaming in Wal Mart, she's mine. If you hear "Oh for God's holy loving cotton pickin sake, fine, get down and walk!!! If you get lost don't come crying to me!!" then it's definitely me. For my sake, pretend not to see me.

3. Before Lily- I had stacks and stacks of all the latest music. I was up on all the new artists. I was a font of useless music trivia.

After Lily- I am a font of music, still- "Lalalalalala Elmo's world. I love you, you love me...please kill me and set me free".

4. Before Lily- I had a beauty regimine to rival Tammy Faye's. I had a thousand different tubes of mascara. I had mousturizer by the gallon. I had eyeliner for every mood.

After Lily- I am lucky to have a face not smeared with oatmeal or worse. My mascara is crumbly, my eyeliner down to a stub I sharpen with my teeth. I count myself lucky to bathe everyday, much less apply lotion.

5. Before Lily- I shaved every day.

After Lily- I shave when my leg hair threatens to rip my workout pants or I look like I have buckwheat in a headlock.

6. Before Lily- I was manicured, pressed, shampooed, madeup, and dressed before 8 am.

After Lily- I wake up, shower, and put on fresh jammies.

7. Before Lily- I never thought I bedtime would take more than a few minutes. Night night, in the bed, lights out, dont care if ya cry.

After Lily- I spend at least 5 minutes next to her crib for one more kiss, one more hug...to listen to her babble, to smell her little head. I miss her the moment I close her door.

8. Before Lily- I dreamed of traveling the world.

After Lily- My daughter's face is the only part of this world I wish to see. She is my Egypt, my China, my Bermuda, my Carribbean. She is my world, my life, my love, my joy.

Yes, life has changed. I traded writing for diaper changing, intellectual pursuits for Sesame Street, jeans for jammies, and gourmet cuisine for hot dogs and pasta.

And it is good. It is right. And it is all I have ever wanted.