What remains

I cannot say that love did not exist
or that it was conquered and vanquished
I cannot say I was left alone
because along the way
there were dozens
and still are
a "heart family"
instead of a blood family
an ebb and flow of people
to fill the void
like tide
and so what remains,
now,
is the pictures
of her leaning over me
my first bath over, her lips pressed to my cheek
and what remains is
his face in the pictures
smiling at me as I held the camera
and what remains is
the family I have created,
like patchwork over my life
and what remains is
this love God gave me
like a flower in my soul
and my ability to not hate or hurt
but to feel and hold the pain
without it consuming me
and what remains is
my family
my lips pressed to my babies sweet cheek
my voice singing singing with my daughters
my heart so full of love it hurts
what remains is what I have created
from what remained of me

Agnes

I am so angry right now. Angry enough to be shaking.

My maternal grandmother died last week. Nobody thought to inform any of her 3 living daughters of this- namely my uncle...so he could get everything he wanted out of her house before anyone found out. He cremated her and did no funeral so nobody would find out she was dead. So he could have her stuff. Classy huh?

My maternal grandmother was mentally ill- wait. No, that's not true. Many people are mentally ill but they don't commit atrocities against their children. She was evil. Demented. I cannot explain everything to you, but she is the reason my mother was who she was- scarred and sick and wounded.

She is the reason I am scarred as well- in my mind and my body. She began all of this twisted sickness. She hobbled my mother and my aunt terribly. The abuse- God, I cannot even put it into words. It is... beyond imagining.

But you know the worst part? That she never even wanted to know me. I saw her once, in passing, at age 24. She didn't acknowledge me. Wait that's not entirely true. My mother and aunt brought me as a newborn to her house. She opened the door, saw who it was, and slammed it in their faces.

But others in the family- well she was all ABOUT them. Her son- the golden boy, was treated well the entirety of his life. So were his daughters. She loved my cousin Lewis. But my Aunt and my mom and myself- it was as if we didn't exist.

It's all a fucking mess. The physical part of it- her house, everything in it, is now being fought over. But the emotional shitstorm is just as bad. If she had not abused my mother so terribly, would she have been a better mother? Would she have been bi-polar her entire life without a diagnosis? Would she have abused HERSELF so drastically that she died, riddled with lung cancer at 46? Would she have been able to love me? The disgusting creature that created all of this is gone. And those left behind all have such varying knowledge of her as a person that we cannot speak of it to each other, or help each other along with what we are feeling.

I know I should have forgiven her long ago, but when her actions continue to maim and destroy even NOW, I just can't. She created such destruction. She never apologized. She never acknowledged it. She just went on living for 80 some odd years, while my mother dided alone in a strangers house at 46. Where's the justice?

God help me. God help all of us that her lives touched- because we surely need His mercy now.

Pray.

Please pray for Marleigh.

http://www.marleighonelove.com/

Please.

A Rant

To the idiots driving in this city:
Hello! Do you see me? I am really hard to miss. Can you please refrain from scaring the poo outta me in parking lots by FLYING up on me in your car? I have 2 kids with me for Gods sake- and I am in a CROSSWALK!!! I am so sorry you have to pause for 20 seconds to let me pass, really I am. But if you come even CLOSE to hitting me or my babies, IMA MESS YOU UP.

To the inventor of Listerene:
OW!!! WTF!!!! Nuff said.

To anyone I pass in the store and smile at:
If you don't smile back at me, you are an ass. Seriously. I am taking the time to smile and nod at you, say hello, etc...with 2 kiddos in tow. The least you can do is smile back. Fake it for goodness sake, but don't be an asshole.

To the skinny chick in Dillards dressing room:
I don't want to be you, and I don't envy you your body or youth. I know that preening in front of the 3 way mirror in your size 2 dress and looking at me smugly must make you feel good about yourself, but honey, I am to old and too tired to worry about your need to be superior. So move outta my way or I'll sit on your skinny butt.

To the damn idiot working in the Wal-Mart deli:
I asked for it sliced THIN. THIN!!! Don't gawk at me through your glasses and pretend you didn't hear me or are incapable of understanding what I mean. This is not an extraordinary request. Now just do it, already! You work in a deli, you slice meat. There's nothing wrong with that. Have some damn pride in your work.

To the inventor of the cell phone:
I hate you. Is it necessary that I be able to be found ALL THE TIME? You say that it is, and since I have a cell phone, people assume I agree. I don't.

To the whole building/ construction industry:
Why can you give a date and have that BE THE DATE? Why? Huh? I can't find my kids in this tower of boxes over here. You finish the house friday, but we cant close til MONDAY!!! This is torture!!!! Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

To my husband:
I have packed EVERY SINGLE BOX in this house by myself. I WILL NOT forget this. And neither will you, come Christmas-time. Right, sweetie?

I think that's it for now. Have a happy day.

02.15.07

Dear self,

Tomorrow, your life will change in ways you would never believe. Oh, you think you're ready, and in many ways, you are. But in others your deficiency could fill oceans. What is really key here is to know everyone else has their ocean as well. Their space of unknowing. Everyone. No matter how together they look, it's there. So don't cover up your lack of knowledge, because together with other mommies, you can help fill the void in each other.

Motherhood is not for wimps. You are going to panic. You will feel utterly overwhelmed. You will be tired and worried. You will at once love and want to abandon this small being who utterly relies on you for everything. You will want to run away. Oh yes you will. You won't do it, but damn you will want to. You will sit, nursing, in your rocker...and you will look out the window and want to take off. At times, it will overwhelm you. Life will seem to go on without you outside this window, while you are a prisoner inside. It will feel endless. It's not.

There will be a morning you will glance down at Lily and she will be looking at you and smiling, just for you. And you will finally know what every mother knows- that your heart can break and fill at the same time. You will, at that very moment, connect with every other good mother in this world. You will KNOW that feeling everyone talks about. It is such a sweet burden- a beautiful collision of love and worry and fear and devotion. It can take your breath, make you hurt, make you cry with gratitude. It can make you feel like anything, any kind of love you have felt before was a shadow. And it was. No love is like this one.

This sweet child that will be born tomorrow will save you. You don't want to be saved. You don't think you need to be saved. But you will be and you need it. In the one second between her leaving your body and looking upon her face your old life will fall away. You will live for her. You will wake every night, breastfeed for 2 years, hold your tongue and reign your temper. You will weep at a glance of her face, her eyelashes spread like fans across her cheek. You will HURT with loving her.

You can stop looking for who you were supposed to be. Stop searching for what will fill you to brimming with joy. She is here- your forever. Your one thing has breath and life and a heart filled with kindness. She will add weight to your world, make every decision so much more than it was. And you will care for her, everyday, and you will know...that this is it. This is your destiny.

You are going to make mistakes. Many. Mistakes that will make you sad, make you cringe. You will raise your voice and yell. You will take frustration out on your sweet toddler. You will see her face crumble with hurt. But you will also learn the power of a sincere apology. You will ask your child's forgiveness, and she will give it. In turn, you will see her kindness bloom like a flower, and see that she gives forgiveness willingly and with love.

You will be in constant amazement at this creature you have created. But the most amazing thing you will learn is that as much as you nurture her, she nurtures you in return. She teaches as much as she is taught. She loves as much as she is loved.

God is about to become a much more real and vibrant force in your life, because you will never look at your daughter and doubt His presence again.

Love,

Your Self

Thirty-four

Dear year 34,

Hello there. I am happy to see you. Come on in and stay a year will ya?

So tell me about yourself. Do you include anything really fantastic? Can you please assure me that you don't come with any new wrinkles and gray hair? That would be great.

Well let me tell you a little about me. I am happy. Really happy. Oh the everyday life is mundane, yes. But it has a solid, steady beauty. It is predictable and flows with a rhythm I can easily dance to.

I have 2 great kids. Wonderful, sweet, and darn cute. And I get to stay home and see them grow. It is a blessing that I sometimes don't see in the right perspective. I plan to try to see it more for what it is- a blessing, and something that I should soak up instead of try to muddle through.

I have some goals for you, year 34. Yeah, I know everybody says to get in shape. But I plan to get back to where I was. No more, no less. I know I won't be slim, but I plan to regain my strength and energy. I plan to gripe less about my body, and enjoy it much much more. I want to walk, bike, run, dance. I want to enjoy my boy being ALL MINE again, after these years of babies and nursing.

I plan to laugh way more. Take myself less seriously. Let things go for heaven's sake. And love without worrying about rejection. I plan to say it all, every chance I get. I plan for the people I love to get so sick of my kindness they can't stand it.

This is the year. The year I am done having babies and get to raising them. The year I can get back in touch with my husband, after being so focused on babies and their needs. The year I will enjoy everything with a new heart focused on family, God, and my blessings.

So, year 34. Get ready. I am going to challenge you, live everyday of you to the fullest, laugh and dance and act silly and throw myself into my life. I am going to delete the negativity, and regain my power as a wife, mother, and child of God.

Strap on your helmet, year 34- I am going to take you on one helluva ride!