Need

I used to spend a good deal of my time angry and overwhelmed. It happened all the time- I was pissed about something or other nearly always. I spent my time fuming over ridiculous things. I never looked at myself. I never wanted to see what would show up if I did.

My life and relationship with Mark made me see things differently. He made me want to be better...just by loving me and refusing to give up on me, even when I pushed- HARD. He stayed the course.

Four years ago, I decided to stop blaming the world and everyone else for my troubles and to start looking where the real blame was lying- with me.

I tackled those obstacles arduously, with a whole lot of therapy, and even more prayer and faith. I stepped out on a limb and asked God to show me who I could be without my anger and temper. In the doing, I had to go down roads I did not ever want to see again. I had to revisit memories and times that I had repressed and focus on how they affected my ability to just be human.

I am still a work in progress. I still have my days where I don't want to get out of bed, and where I battle things in my mind that I can't share with anybody.

Today I had a good morning. Lily and I went to class, visited with the girls, and came home. As I drove home I was telling God of how happy I am that I have changed into such a different person, and how strong I felt.

Then I walked into my front door, and panic hit me like a ton of bricks. An overwhelming sense of fear and dread. There was SO MUCH to do, no time to do it in. Instantly I felt myself drowning in chaos and feeling my old self rising up through it. I was angry. I was pissed off. I was determined to let Mark have it if I even saw his face coming down the stairs.

I had no idea where all this anger came from. But I stood in the pantry to collect myself and asked God for help. His answer was to bring me a wave of peace, followed by intense sadness. In the sadness he whispered to me of all of the strength he gave me everyday to be a different human being, how he created me anew each day, and how I cannot be who I am without him.

I listened. I simply stood and listened. And I realized I have been smug in my prayer. Instead of asking God for continued growth, I have been informing him that I am proud of MYSELF for holding it together. Well, my strength doesn't come from myself. Moments like I had this afternoon is proof of that. On my own, I am angry and bitter and sharp. With him, I am all I want to be.

I showed my humility but preparing a beautiful lunch for Lily, in taking Mark lunch up as well, and in trying my best to push my sadness and overwhelmed feelings aside and do what needed to be done.

Instead of "letting Mark have it" when he came downstairs, I let myself go and cry and tell him of how I was feeling. How I was missing the baby, feeling pressure, and feeling like I wasn't myself and couldn't pull it together. He, in typical Mark fashion, made it all better and had me feeling like myself within minutes.

When he left to go to the store a few minutes later, I sat in the quiet. I could see, quite clearly, what I needed to learn from all this.

I need God like I need water. I need him to fill me, comfort me, and keep me alive. If he, just for one moment, lets his guidance slip from me, I am lost. Without him, I am somebody I do not want to be.

He has provided me with a man that is so good and kind. He has provided me with friendships. He has given me my daughter. But more than that- he has given me myself. The person I want to be all lies in my trust and faith in him. With him I am free to let go of all of my burdens and simply be.

Thank God he found me. Thank God he keeps me. And thank God he lets me know just how much I need him.

Week one

One week of vegan living. Well not entirely...cause there was that chocolate fondue and shrimp, but almost entirely vegan living otherwise.

Here's a little recap.

Day One- Hmmmm this isn't so bad. I can do this.

Day Two- WTF are these people THINKING? I am hungry- HUNGRY!!!!

Day Three- I would kill somebody for the cheese under their fingernails or the meat in their teeth. I am SO NOT KIDDING.

Day Four- Wow. I am awake at 6:30. I have energy. I am not wanting to hit my husband just for breathing in my direction before I have had coffee. Interesting.

Day 5- Had some chocolate. It was good, but not as good as it used to be.

Day 6- Feeling my body give up fighting against this new food- 12 servings of veggies and fruits a day! 90 oz of water! Hummus and beans and almonds and strawberries!

Day 7- Realizing I havent had a headache or stomachache in 4 DAYS!

All in all, the first 3 days were hell. But I feel really really good now. I have no food cravings. I havent had a stomachache or headache in 4 days- something that I had every single day.

And, I am realizing there is, at least for me, a definite karmic reward for not eating meat. I feel that if I can subsist without taking another life to do so, that I should. It makes me feel better about myself and my choices. I don't expect anyone else to do it, or even to understand it...but my body is so peaceful with this change that it may be something I keep doing indefinitely.

So there you go. Of all the diests I have done, and I have done them ALL, this is the one that my body has settled into and not fought. I have lost 2 pounds, which is great. But the real benefit is feeling as if my body is running properly and feeling good.

So, vegan I will continue to be...at least for now. :)

Actual conversation...

(We are in the car, driving to class this morning.)

Mama?

Yes?

Ohno pease. Ohno pease. Ohno!

Ono? As in Yoko? Ono as in Bono?

Ohno pease mama. Pease mama? PEASE?

(cue me frantically looking over my shoulder at her as she signs to me. Random patting of her hands together.)

Ummmm Lily, I don't know what you want.

(pointing) Ohno mama. Ohno!!!!!!

Ummmmm my phone? Water bottle? Two day old apple core?

OHNO MAMA OHNO!!!!!

(she points to my lotion)

Lotion?

Yes, ohno. (she takes it happily)

Then it occurs to me why she calls it by this particular name. Becuase the only time I can find to lotion up my hands is at red lights...and inevitably the moment I put a big glob on my hands, the light changes. Hence the "Oh no!".

Note to self. Find something else to call the $#%*&*((*)%#@ in front of me when he cuts me off. Ahem.

Lily

Words cannot express how much I love my daughter. Today was an immensely blessed and GOOD day...full of laughter and joy. We played, we snacked, we went to the park and out to dinner. Just she and I.

I am realizing more and more just how compassionate my child is. Today she met a new friend at the park, and she took her hand and walked with her. She didn't want to let her go, but simply held her hand and kept saying her name "Ella, Ella". I was so proud of her immensely kind heart.

She has compassion. She has joy. She had tenderness. She opens her arms to the world without fear.

I look at her and wonder who she will become- what will she be? She won't be saddled with the same past I was...so how far will she go as a human being? She won't have to put up walls to keep people out. She will always have a safe place to fall. How wonderful for her to have it, and for me to get to witness it.

Beauty from ashes, indeed.

She is innately kind, and possesses such a good strong soul, already. I watch her and think to myself that if anyone were to damage that sweet soul in any way I would come unglued. I can keep her safe for now...but what about later? She will grow...she will go to school. She may be bullied or picked on. She will be wounded. And I will have to watch.

Motherhood is the sweetest, heaviest, burden a woman can carry. I never understood that until the moment my child was born. She looked up at me and that was it. I was lost to her. I could never hurt her. I wouldn't know how.

All of this leads me down roads I don't like to travel. Thinking about the past is futile...I know this. But there are times when I look at my sweet baby and know that I was that small...that good...that loving. But instead of being treasured, I was cast aside.

I know that one day I will have answers to my questions. I know one day I will approach my God and ask him all of the things I can't understand here. One day I will kneel before him and weep when he hands me my sweet lost baby.

Until that time, though, I will watch my baby girl grow. I will hold her and kiss her and tell her every chance I get of how much I love her. I will stop the world if she ever tells me she needs me. I will hold her hand. I will bathe her and snuggle her. I will cherish her.

And in so doing, I will heal my own wounds.

Day 6

I woke up this morning dreading to go to my beloved Stroller Strides class, because I was afraid I would have no energy. The EXACT opposite was true. I felt lighter, cleaner, and better able to do every single exercise- from jogging to wall sits. All of it was easier.

Now I know this diet isn't for everybody, and truthfully, I have cheated a few times-I've had chocolate twice and shrimp once. But other than that, I haven't had a bit of dairy or meat in nearly a week.

And- I AM NOT HUNGRY. Seriously. I have been eating so much fruit and veggies that I am just not hungry...at all. Which is certainly something coming from me- the bottomless pit.

Spiritually I feel a little bit different too. I am more clear minded, and feel as if this was something God was telling me to do for quite a while, but I was to stubborn to do so. I need to listen more, that is for sure.

So there it is. I promise one day soon I will have something other than diet to talk about. I've had alot on my mind, and have come to a really big decision today.

Peace reigns in my mind and soul right now. And I am grateful.

Skinny Bitch...indeed.

Day three of no meat or dairy.

I am cranky. I am angry. I am sullen. I would tackle somebody for the traces of cheese under their fingernails.


But, as if this morning, I also feel lighter, cleaner, and less weighed down.


I did decide that the coffee couldn't go. Actually, Mark begged me to not stop with the coffee, because yesterday, frankly...I was a monster. So, as any good wife would do, I submitted to his authority and had a cup this morning. I am anything if not obedient. Ahem.

Anywhoooo, I am committed. But if this feeling of being unsatisfied after meals continues, I will be committed to either jail or the looney bin. I hear in both places you get three square meals a day...that include meat.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

This for that...

Okay, maybe I am just weird...but do you ever look around at the grocery store and see something is misplaced and wonder if the person who left it there sat it down and picked up something else as a substitute?

No? Okay, the cheese stands alone.

Well anyway, I was at Wal Mart yesterday killing time and I noticed the Easter candy was already out. Firstly, I was friggin shocked that the easter candy is out already-I mean, come on! I was just starting to describe my righteous indignation to Lily when I noticed the Cadbury Eggs were on display. I then went into fits of hysterical giggles and began chanting "Chocate! Chocate!!! Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhh Chocate!!!!" I think I may have also pumped my fist into the air and did a little air guitar as well.

No, I have no dignity. I am a mother. Ahem.

Anywho, as I was picking up and sniffing the nougaty, carmely, chocolatey deliciousness I noticed a real package of eggs had been left on top of the Cadburys. Wonder of wonders that I could think in my sugar driven haze, but I began to wonder if the person who had left the wholesome breakfast staple had indeed given them up for a few Cadburys.

Not that I don't fully understand that choice, but it led me to do some thinking.

How many times in our life do we give up something good for something bad?

The good guy for the bad boy. The salad for the pizza. The better way for the feel better in the moment sin.

I know I am guilty of it, everyday. I sometimes choose the easy road with Lily- the TV show, the movie, the easy dinner. Instead of putting in the effort to make things better in the long run, I chose what serves me now. Instead of thinking of what a choice for me might mean in the long run- say choosing pizza over a healthy stir fry, I am pleasing myself NOW, but ruining myself later. Instead of taking the time to think through my decisions and pray, I sometimes just jump in.

All of this thinking yesterday led me to wonder a few things about myself. I know I have a food addiction. I LOVE food. I love sweets. I try not to eat them, but if they are here in the house, I usually give in. It's not a part of myself that I like, and it makes me feel very weak and stupid.

There are many corners of my life that are not in as good of control as I would like, but since this is the most obvious, I decided to focus on it.

Here's the thing. Food is fuel. It is meant to simply sustain our bodies. But it has been twisted so badly by our society, that it has begun to take on an almost sexual quality. It is not seen as fuel for muscles and bones, but as something sensual and intoxicating.

We eat too much, but it's no wonder. We are surrounded by food, by commercials about food, by food food food. And most of it bad. Ask yourself this- when was the last time you saw a head of lettuce, a pear, a carrot, an apple advertised in a magazine or tv? But how long ago did you see the latest burger or ice cream?

Last night I started reading a book called "Skinny Bitch". Horrible title, full of vulgarity on every page...but nonetheless, tells in no uncertain terms how we are poisoning our bodies. Refined sugar, refined flour, pesticide laden meat, dairy, and fruits and veggies. Caffine, artificial sweeteners...I could go on and on.

Don't even get me started on the chapter about meat and the slaughtering process. You will be hard pressed to ever get me to eat meat again. Ever. And that's saying alot from this Nebraska farm girl.

I can't say that I agree with all tenents of the book. I don't think I can give up dairy. I can cut down and go organic...but I won't cut it out. But I do agree with the premise that there is no FOOD in our food anymore. Everything is processed. The only thing that is recognizeable as it is in nature is fruits and veggies, but remember...you cant see pesticides.

I have a point. Maybe. My point is this...I have gone long enough in my life fooling myself that substituting my future health for my momentary pleasure is okay. It's not okay. Because frankly, if I fail to take care of myself now, who will care for my child LATER?

You can substitute many things in your life, but your mother is not one of them.