Head above water...

I'm treading here.

Today has been a busy day. I've been here, I've been there, I've been keeping my mind off things. But right now I am alone, the house is quiet, Lily is asleep and I am alone with my thoughts.

Ugly things are rising unbidden in my mind. Thoughts of my worth as a daughter, ideas about my role, ideas of how badly I have betrayed my father.

Did I sell him down the river? Did I give the doctors and the psychiatrist the ammo needed to declare him incompetent? Did I get the ball rolling on placement in a nursing home that he will never come out of? Have I sentenced him to misery- to die alone?

I never thought it would come to this- making decisions for my fathers life. Making the decision to ultimately do something to my father he does not want, has made clear he doesn't want. The man wants to go home. I can't say that I blame him, but I also cannot let him.

This is unbelievably hard. I want to run and hide. But I can't. I have to be an adult. I have to make the hard choices.

Lily is the only thing keeping me from hiding under the covers and not coming out. Thank God for her, or I would be an absolute mess. I can't give in to tears and depression here- I have to go on about life. She needs and deserves a mother who is up to the task of parenting.

So I'm treading water instead of going under. But I am getting weary and I am far from shore.

As I lay my head down tonight, I will pray as I always do- Lord, be it as YOU will. I will give it all to Him, because it is all I can do.

I will also be thinking of my earthly father, so many miles away, alone in his hospital bed surrounded by strangers. I will be thinking of the way his hand felt in mine when I was little, the way he gave me sips of his coffee in the morning. I will be thinking of all the times I went to get in the car, and he had already warmed it up and scraped the ice off the windshield.

Tonight I will try to think of the good things, and I will pray.