The house is quiet. The tea is hot and steaming beside me. I am crying and mourning while the sounds of christian music fills my ears.
I am so so sad. But I am not lost. This sadness has purpose and meaning. It is not debilitating or hindering my life. It just IS. It is part of me.
With each tear I draw closer to God, because He is the only comfort for this. He gives and takes. I love Him, I trust Him, and I know that there is meaning to my pain.
I miss miss miss my baby. My sweet little one. My body is empty, but my soul is not. My soul is full of a yearning not to understand this loss, but to draw closer to God THROUGH it.
Peace or understanding.
Peace.
This has made me so much more compassionate. I look at others and think of the battles they are facing- battles in secret, battles in the open like mine- and I feel such overwhelming love and empathy. I am not the first, nor will I be the last to lose something so precious. Loss is part of life. It shapes us. It is the bitter to the sweet- without it, we would not know how precious joy is.
I look at my baby girl and I think of what a gift she is. She is the reason I get up each day, she is my life and joy and everything good. She is my world.
I remember clearly lying in the hospital bed while they gave me an ultrasound. I was bleeding, soaking the bed and the floor. I knew my child was gone. All I could think of was getting home to Lily and holding her. Taking my comfort from her presence. She is saving me, everyday. She is uplifting me and showing me the way back into life. She brought me back from the brink. She is my little bit of heaven, here on earth.
I am still crying nearly everyday. I am still standing at the window, looking out at Joshua's resting place. I am still grieving and missing him. But the grief is tempered with peace. I long for him. I wish for him. But I know to whom he belongs.
Today my friend Adrienne gave me a card. On it is a picture of Jesus lovingly cradling a small baby. The child rests it's head on his broad chest, a smile lighting it's face. Adrienne wrote that everytime she saw it she thought of baby J, so she gave it to me. When I saw it, the tears flowed. Tears of sadness for myself and my mother's heart, but tears of joy for my sweet child, who is healed and waiting for me. It was exactly the right thing at the right time.
So I am grieving. But I grieve with hope. I live with hope. And I am thankful in my circumstance. I am thankful for the onrush of pain and tears and the comfort of peace that comes after. I am thankful for my husband's hand on mine while he washes prayer over me. I am thankful for my Lily's smiling face as we dance in the kitchen. I am thankful for the small sweet resting spot of my sweet baby that I can look at each day.
Dearest Joshua,
Oh how I miss you. How I wish for a second chance. But I would never take you from where you are now, sweet boy.
You are loved here on earth, and also where you are. Loved, treasured, remembered, and cherished.
So play, laugh, be joyous.
One day...
Love,
Mama
