Motherhood is a layering of miracles, a swath of experiences so profound that they cannot be explained. Words cannot be ascribed to something so primal, so deep. Very few things in this life penetrate all layers of self- physical, spiritual, mental- like being a mother.
Motherhood is a great equalizer. Sit in a room full of other mothers and all of the extraneous baggage falls away. It is no longer about what car you drive, how big your house is, who you were before birth, your job, your husband. It becomes about your little people, about you as a mother. Nothing else takes precedence over that.
I will never be able to articulate what motherhood is to me. It is beyond words, this feeling. This love that knows no bounds. This sacrificing of self. It is love and beyond love. It is devotion and a laying down of everything that is about me, and becoming what is about them.
Some people would argue with me. Some would say you must fight to keep your sense of self. But for me, personally, my sense of self is all wrapped up in my ability to mother successfully. If that is wrong, then it is wrong. If I am doing myself a disservice, fine. I'll deal with that later. For right now, this is all I know how to be. A mother, first. All else second.
I count myself so very lucky. I know what the other side looks like. I know the darkness and twisted path that motherhood can take. I have seen the blood, I have felt the blows. I know where I do not want to set my feet. I know there is no force on earth that could take me there- none.
And so my days are filled with doing for others- with rocking and singing and playing and consoling. My life is full and busy. My world is my family and my home. And in it, I see holiness. I see God in every action. I see this house and this life as a shelter from the rest of the world- and I am determined it should always be so.
So I will continue to see the holy things in the mundane. I will see the cross in the clothespin, the parable in the chaos. I will love, and be loved. I will give even without getting back. I will sacrifice all that I am for all these two little people will be.
And through it all I will know that I am healing all of the brokenness in myself. I am sealing the wounds. I am staunching the bleeding that the past has created. There is nothing in this world that can heal me like motherhood. Nothing that can bring me more peace, or more fulfillment. As the years go on I will watch the past fade and soon, very soon, I will think of it not with anger or sadness...but with the resignation that comes with total forgiveness.
