I've been doing alot of thinking. And alot of praying. I've been storm tossed on this little boat of faith I posses. Wondering what I am doing here. Where I belong.
At least to Whom I belong I am pretty clear.
Last night as I was falling asleep, I kept being pushed awake by panic. I'd dip under, surface again. Dip, surface. Finally I opened my eyes and heart to God and was quiet.
And into my silent and still brain and body slipped 3 words.
Patience.
Vanity.
Worth.
My three struggles. Whispered in the dark and silent night. I looked out the window at the storm tossed sky, the iced over ground, the icy air. Treacherous. Dangerous.
Just like my three struggles.
Patience is not my forte. I am impatient, and it makes me unkind. I snap. I raise my voice. And worse, I feel entitled to do so. After all, I am the mother. It is my responsibility to see that things go smoothly. But I crush little hearts in the process. I chip at souls. What is a momentary frustration to me, can be a wound that festers for them. I need to lead by example. Stop. Breathe. Teach. Love.
Discipline is essential. But temperance is as well.
Vanity. Ugh, it's hard to be transparent on this one. But I just KNOW somebody else struggles with this.
Every single day I get up and hate what I see in the mirror. The fat, unmadeup me. And I mean hate. I treat myself badly. I rip myself up. I flinch at the reflection.
I hate God's creation of me. I hate my body and my hair and my face.
So I hide it. I layer myself under makeup. I put on jewelry. I buy clothing that conceals.
I hide.
And I hide behind having a perfect house. And perfectly dressed and combed children.
I hide. I hide in my own skin. I cover myself with the artificial. And the real me becomes lost.
The me God created is painted over with my creation of self.
And if the truth be told I hide myself behind fat and food.
God created me to do his work. And I cannot do it in an unhealthy body. I also won't spend hours sculpting it into something somebody else considers beautiful. That's covering up God's beauty with man's.
Worth is all tied up in the patience and vanity. Because if I am impatient, if I hurt my family with words, my idea of my worth plummets. If somebody sees me without my mask of makeup and perfection, I fall.
And in all of this- who am I trying to impress? The world? What will the world do for me if I am skinnier, prettier? If my children behave because they are afraid of me? What will the world do for me then?
Nothing.
But if I listen to God, what does He tell me. That my beauty has nothing to do with what I see in the mirror. That I can rest all of myself in His care. That He KNOWS me. And that He loves me.
THAT is my worth. To live each day to make my world better. Nothing I wear, no time I take on my appearance will make my world better. Raising my children with gentle hands, treating my husband like a friend, doing anything and everything for my neighbors and friends that I can- all of this leads to a freedom of soul I long for.
To live each and everyday for everyone I love and care for is where my worth resides.
And I am up to the challenge.
