"Friend... I feel like s**t. I want to stop worrying, I want to stop being the depressed and weak person I have become. I don't have many people to lean on and have a small support system. I've grown tired of all the bulls**t and want to be done with it. I blame myself for not taking care of ME. How did you do it? How did you push yourself, everyday, and wake up in the morning on the days you wish you can curl up in the fetal postition in bed?"
My dear, sweet friend,
I love you. I can feel your pain and your frustration. I wish I had an answer for you, but I can only tell you what has gotten me through.
I know you are not a believer. I understand that. I've been there. And though I have never walked in your shoes or gone through what you have gone through, I've walked my own road. I've been laid low. I've been so down I wanted my life to end.
I've battled doubt. Self doubt, and doubt in God. But I have always been drawn back to Him. Over and over He has lifted my beyond my light and momentary circumstance. He has given me peace of a depth I cannot explain.
God how I wish this for you, Michelle. I wish that you would be bathed in the light of the One who cares for you so so much. I wish you would turn to Him with your troubles and your grief and your hurt. I wish you would give it all up to Him- the uncertainty and the worry. I wish, I wish...
But I also know how hard it can be to trust. How dependent we are on ourselves and getting through things on our own. I know that nothing in our lives lead us to believe. I know all of this.
I want to give you answers, and I want to give you comfort. And the only way I can do that is to say that I wish with all my heart that you would give your life over to God so that your comfort is deeper than anything you can manufacture for yourself, and wider than anything anyone in your life can give you. So that you have an eternal perspective on this momentary life. So that you know no matter what that you are cared for, loved, and held.
You can look forever for comfort. You can search for answers in the world, in other people. I've done it. And nothing, NOTHING comares to the peace I have, the rest I have in knowing I am a child of God. That my days are all known, that my burdens are carried on stronger shoulders than my own.
I cannot tell you that you will be healed. I can't say that all of these health problems will disappear or fall away. I can't tell you life will be perfect and whole.
All I can say, my sweet and beloved friend, is that in everything you will be known and loved by a force so much bigger than anything this life or anyone else can give you.
I love you, and as always, I am praying for you.
Bella
