I got into the car today, after loading Sammy up, going back inside 3 times for cups and snacks, and once to retrieve a lovey.
Can I get a holla from my mamas for the 8 trips back inside for stuff before getting to actually drive off? It's cardio right?
Anywho. Whenever I get still and quiet, my worries invade. All of everything that I have been super busy running away from sits in the passenger seat and decided to chat.
It began 2 minutes into my drive, as I was getting on the highway. Worry, worry. Uncertainty. Anxiety. Rushing of adrenaline. Tears. Hands gripping the wheel. Nausea.
I turned up KLOVE. I tried to redirect my mind. I tried talking to Sammy.
And then I hear it.
"Daughter, why don't you call my name?"
Clear as day.
"You are entitled to call my name. It is your birthright."
Honestly, I almost ran off the road. Because I rarely hear this clearly from my dear sweet Savior.
And my oh so eloquent response?
"Ummm well I don't want to bug you."
Ohmagoodness.
Really?
Really, Bella???
Yes really. That's what I said.
Anyway, let's move along shall we? Ahem.
So I opened my mouth and called on the name of Jesus. Nothing more. Just His name.
And I smiled. And was flooded with goodness.
It's kinda like the first bite of cake after dieting for years.
Delicious, lovely, wonderful, satisfying.
And I simply drove and spoke and talked. About it all. All of my hurts and worries and pain and....it simply turned into glory.
It turned into praise. It turned into worship. It turned into a song falling from my lips with tears from my eyes.
I sat at a stoplight and dried my eyes. And laughed.
And then again.
"Call on my name."
And I did.
"Now tell me why you don't believe I will help you."
Ouch.
But it's true. This is where I fall from my walk. I don't have a hard time wanting to be like Jesus. I don't have trouble with the commandments. I don't have a problem with giving.
I have a problem with believing I am WORTHY OF HIS LOVE.
This is where the cliff begins for me. Where thejumping off point becomes too high. And where I watch others soar from the ground.
It is in my own beliefs about myself.
And my own belief in the lies I have been told to keep me from loving God like I should.
And from trusting.
I am afraid. That as I am, I am not enough.
Oh I love Him. With a fierceness that I cannot explain. And I carry his love with me. And I give His love freely.
But my own worth just gets lost.
And if you don't believe in your worthiness to be loved by someone, how can they fully love you in return?
AND, AND, how painful it must be for Him to watch me struggle and not call for Him.
Because, people, let me tell you. He is REAL. He has SAVED ME. I would be lost if not for His love.
So it's time. To call for Him. To trust His word, that I am His. That I am HIS. That I am loved.
And that I am worthy of all of it.
Because half of any relationship is allowing the other half to care for YOU, to give to YOU, to love YOU. To be vulnerable. And to allow yourself to be deeply known.
And that includes asking for and accepting help.
Once again, God has shown me that I can go another step deeper into Him. That I can lean into His arms when I am lost, overwhelmed, or in need of shelter.
Jer 33:3......... "Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things..."
Jer 29:12........ "Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you."
Isa 65:24........ "It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer, and while they are speaking I will hear."
