We are off to Disneyworld for a whole week!!!
See you next tuesday, friends!
B
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Joshua...
Dear Joshua,
I know you see me smile. I know you see me laugh. You see us going on about our lives...planning vacations, shopping, cooking, playing. It may seem as if we have forgotten you.
We haven't. We will not.
Everywhere we go, you will be there. You will be in our hearts as your sister sees Cinderella's castle for the first time. You will be with us as we fly. You will be with us as we laugh with joy at the parades and characters.
You will be there, engraved on my soul. I will hold you and pray for you and think of you and what might have been.
I am not sad for you, baby boy. I am sad for us, who will never see your face or know your temperament. We who will never give you a time out or a goodnight kiss. I can only know you in my heart. I can only know you, soul to soul and not face to face. This is the worst of it- the wondering of who you would have been.
So we will take you with us. To Disneyworld. To the park. To the grocery store. To the world. We will carry you long after others have forgotten.
Be happy, be free, be joyful.
Someday....
Love,
Mama
I know you see me smile. I know you see me laugh. You see us going on about our lives...planning vacations, shopping, cooking, playing. It may seem as if we have forgotten you.
We haven't. We will not.
Everywhere we go, you will be there. You will be in our hearts as your sister sees Cinderella's castle for the first time. You will be with us as we fly. You will be with us as we laugh with joy at the parades and characters.
You will be there, engraved on my soul. I will hold you and pray for you and think of you and what might have been.
I am not sad for you, baby boy. I am sad for us, who will never see your face or know your temperament. We who will never give you a time out or a goodnight kiss. I can only know you in my heart. I can only know you, soul to soul and not face to face. This is the worst of it- the wondering of who you would have been.
So we will take you with us. To Disneyworld. To the park. To the grocery store. To the world. We will carry you long after others have forgotten.
Be happy, be free, be joyful.
Someday....
Love,
Mama
Worship and grief
Everywhere around me, there seems to be loss. One blog leads to others, telling of lost children...death, miscarraige, a birth mother changing her mind about an adoption. There are news stories rife with parents killing their children, children being lost to drugs and alcohol.
It seems, as a parent, everywhere you look there is peril. At all times there is danger. At any moment there can be loss. It's enough to cause nightmares, fear, horror.
With my own recent loss I have battled mightily against fear. Fear that I won't ever carry a baby to term again. Fear that I failed my baby, that my body let him die. Fear that I did not keep him safe.
I fear for Lily at all times. I am always one step ahead, trying to keep her unharmed. But harm comes into every life. It is inevitable. Just the idea of this is enough to make my stomach hurt and my body to go cold.
I have said it before, but it bears repeating- I am not a Bible scholar. I know enough of it to find comfort, and often turn to scripture when I am lost. But I don't know enough to even say I have a base knowledge.
Today I was seeking comfort. Today the baby was on my mind. The idea of taking Lily to a huge place like Disneyworld and losing her was in my thoughts. Flying, as always, strikes me with terror. I was in need.
I've never read the book of Job all the way through, but in my search I came across it. I was immediately drawn to these verses:
18 While he was still speaking, another also came and said, "Your sons and your daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother's house,
19 and behold, a great wind came from across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell on the young people and they died, and I alone have escaped to tell you."
20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.
21 He said,
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked I shall return there
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD."
22 Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.
My God in heaven. I was struck dumb at how Job reacted to the news of his children's death. He "tore his robe and shaved his head, and HE FELL TO THE GROUND AND WORSHIPPED"
Everything had been taken from this man, and still he says "blessed be the name of the Lord".
Wow. Let that sink in for a moment. He worshipped God upon hearing of his children's death. He grieved, oh yes, but he also worshipped. He blessed God. He did not blame God.
Oh what a few lines of scripture can do to a weary mother's heart. Like water to desert sand, I absorbed these words.
I have tried not to turn from God in my grief. I don't understand, and I am struggling with my own humanity to just LET IT BE. In my mind I know it is not up to me to know why my baby didn't get to live. I could give it up and rest easy in the promise that I will see him again...but some days, oh the sadness and anger is encompassing. I look at Lily and wonder what he would have looked like. I think of how big he would be now and how I would feel him growing each day.
But it was not meant to be.
How, though, can I be like Job? How can I worship in the very next breath from grief? How can I call him blessed when I am angry?
I don't know. I wish I did.
The best that I can do right now is simply let God know that I am trying. I am trying to come to peace. I am trying to worship in the midst of my disappointment. I am trying not to blame or ask why. I am trying to simply be joyful, and when I cannot be that, be thankful...and when I can't even be that, to be quiet and listen.
Because that is when God speaks to me. When I am worn down. When I stop running. When I sit in silence and let the tears come and let the worry bubble up. The fear and the uncertainty. And that is when He comes, and when I feel Him. It is when I know He cries with me for my loss, all of my loss.
I know he grieves with me. And for that reason alone, I know one day my wounded soul with grieve with one breath and worship with the next. My mouth will speak words of praise and blessings even while I cry for loss. And one day the reason why will simply not matter, and what IS will.
It seems, as a parent, everywhere you look there is peril. At all times there is danger. At any moment there can be loss. It's enough to cause nightmares, fear, horror.
With my own recent loss I have battled mightily against fear. Fear that I won't ever carry a baby to term again. Fear that I failed my baby, that my body let him die. Fear that I did not keep him safe.
I fear for Lily at all times. I am always one step ahead, trying to keep her unharmed. But harm comes into every life. It is inevitable. Just the idea of this is enough to make my stomach hurt and my body to go cold.
I have said it before, but it bears repeating- I am not a Bible scholar. I know enough of it to find comfort, and often turn to scripture when I am lost. But I don't know enough to even say I have a base knowledge.
Today I was seeking comfort. Today the baby was on my mind. The idea of taking Lily to a huge place like Disneyworld and losing her was in my thoughts. Flying, as always, strikes me with terror. I was in need.
I've never read the book of Job all the way through, but in my search I came across it. I was immediately drawn to these verses:
18 While he was still speaking, another also came and said, "Your sons and your daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother's house,
19 and behold, a great wind came from across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell on the young people and they died, and I alone have escaped to tell you."
20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.
21 He said,
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked I shall return there
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD."
22 Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.
My God in heaven. I was struck dumb at how Job reacted to the news of his children's death. He "tore his robe and shaved his head, and HE FELL TO THE GROUND AND WORSHIPPED"
Everything had been taken from this man, and still he says "blessed be the name of the Lord".
Wow. Let that sink in for a moment. He worshipped God upon hearing of his children's death. He grieved, oh yes, but he also worshipped. He blessed God. He did not blame God.
Oh what a few lines of scripture can do to a weary mother's heart. Like water to desert sand, I absorbed these words.
I have tried not to turn from God in my grief. I don't understand, and I am struggling with my own humanity to just LET IT BE. In my mind I know it is not up to me to know why my baby didn't get to live. I could give it up and rest easy in the promise that I will see him again...but some days, oh the sadness and anger is encompassing. I look at Lily and wonder what he would have looked like. I think of how big he would be now and how I would feel him growing each day.
But it was not meant to be.
How, though, can I be like Job? How can I worship in the very next breath from grief? How can I call him blessed when I am angry?
I don't know. I wish I did.
The best that I can do right now is simply let God know that I am trying. I am trying to come to peace. I am trying to worship in the midst of my disappointment. I am trying not to blame or ask why. I am trying to simply be joyful, and when I cannot be that, be thankful...and when I can't even be that, to be quiet and listen.
Because that is when God speaks to me. When I am worn down. When I stop running. When I sit in silence and let the tears come and let the worry bubble up. The fear and the uncertainty. And that is when He comes, and when I feel Him. It is when I know He cries with me for my loss, all of my loss.
I know he grieves with me. And for that reason alone, I know one day my wounded soul with grieve with one breath and worship with the next. My mouth will speak words of praise and blessings even while I cry for loss. And one day the reason why will simply not matter, and what IS will.
Stellan
If you haven't read MckMama's blog, it is so beautiful. She is clinging to her Savior as her child goes through such pain. She is being his advocate while still trusting in God's healing. She is dealing, and documenting every emotion with rawness and beauty and faith.
Please continue to pray, and if you haven't yet read Mckmama's blog, click on the button to the right. It's worth your time and your prayers.
Please continue to pray, and if you haven't yet read Mckmama's blog, click on the button to the right. It's worth your time and your prayers.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Worthy
Some of you may be familiar with MckMama's blog, and her miracle baby, Stellan. Some of you may also know this precious little miracle is currently in the hospital with a serious heart problem. When I heard about this, I was devastated. I fell to my knees in prayer, then after reading Angie's blog, I fell to my face to ask God to save this precious little boy.
I feel very comfortable praying for others. It is not a problem for me to take my prayer time and ask God to bless others, people I haven't even met in real life sometimes. If I know a friend is struggling, I pray. If I know a family memeber is having a tough time, I pray. It is second nature for me.
But God revealed something very profound to me yesterday as I was facedown before him. I begged him to save Stellan, and naturally my prayers went to others whom I know need help. Then, as I always do, I sat quietly and waited to hear. And I was overwhelmed by a need to pray for myself, for my own troubles and worries, but as I always do, I squashed it. It rose up again, along with tears. I pushed it away and waited to hear His voice.
Then it hit me- what if that feeling of desperate longing is FROM God??? What if the feeling urging me to spill out all of my burdens is from him? Encouraging me to let it go, to give it up? The idea of this was enough to bring a flood of tears.
I don't push God away because I don't feel He is capable. But I hesitate to ask him for things for myself because I feel so absolutely unworthy. I have made some very poor choices. I have hurts others so badly. I have lied, I have cheated, I have been unforgiving and unkind. He knows ALL OF IT. Even those things not another living soul knows. He also knows all of my unkind thoughts, petty anger, jealousies. He knows ME.
So how in the world could He love me, knowing all He does? Anyone else would walk away in disgust.
But He is not anyone else, is He?
And I need to step out on a limb, and trust Him.
Don't get me wrong, I trust God. I trust Him for everyone else but ME. Because I feel as if I am unworthy to even stand in His great presence, sinner that I am. With all of my flaws, my unkind thoughts, my bad deeds. I feel as if I don't deserve grace.
Grace. We can't earn it, we can't work toward it, we can't ask for it. It is a GIFT, freely given. Forgiveness. Hope. Peace. All of these things come as a result. But you have to be able to trust Him with all of it, good bad and ugly.
Wow. What a huge and life changing revelation. Through the rest of the day, I kept coming back to the Lord and asking- "Really? Me? You want ME to ask you for what I need?" and always, peace would flow through me and I knew that I had unblocked a portion of my relationship with God that had been blocked by fear and anxiety.
So here it is, a new day. A new way to pray. For others. For myself. A new way to praise God- for everything, great and small. For answered prayers and unanswered prayers. For what I need, if it is HIS will to give it. For peace when I don't understand.
All of this, for just one thing from me- my heart and my love.
A better bargain has never been struck.
I feel very comfortable praying for others. It is not a problem for me to take my prayer time and ask God to bless others, people I haven't even met in real life sometimes. If I know a friend is struggling, I pray. If I know a family memeber is having a tough time, I pray. It is second nature for me.
But God revealed something very profound to me yesterday as I was facedown before him. I begged him to save Stellan, and naturally my prayers went to others whom I know need help. Then, as I always do, I sat quietly and waited to hear. And I was overwhelmed by a need to pray for myself, for my own troubles and worries, but as I always do, I squashed it. It rose up again, along with tears. I pushed it away and waited to hear His voice.
Then it hit me- what if that feeling of desperate longing is FROM God??? What if the feeling urging me to spill out all of my burdens is from him? Encouraging me to let it go, to give it up? The idea of this was enough to bring a flood of tears.
I don't push God away because I don't feel He is capable. But I hesitate to ask him for things for myself because I feel so absolutely unworthy. I have made some very poor choices. I have hurts others so badly. I have lied, I have cheated, I have been unforgiving and unkind. He knows ALL OF IT. Even those things not another living soul knows. He also knows all of my unkind thoughts, petty anger, jealousies. He knows ME.
So how in the world could He love me, knowing all He does? Anyone else would walk away in disgust.
But He is not anyone else, is He?
And I need to step out on a limb, and trust Him.
Don't get me wrong, I trust God. I trust Him for everyone else but ME. Because I feel as if I am unworthy to even stand in His great presence, sinner that I am. With all of my flaws, my unkind thoughts, my bad deeds. I feel as if I don't deserve grace.
Grace. We can't earn it, we can't work toward it, we can't ask for it. It is a GIFT, freely given. Forgiveness. Hope. Peace. All of these things come as a result. But you have to be able to trust Him with all of it, good bad and ugly.
Wow. What a huge and life changing revelation. Through the rest of the day, I kept coming back to the Lord and asking- "Really? Me? You want ME to ask you for what I need?" and always, peace would flow through me and I knew that I had unblocked a portion of my relationship with God that had been blocked by fear and anxiety.
So here it is, a new day. A new way to pray. For others. For myself. A new way to praise God- for everything, great and small. For answered prayers and unanswered prayers. For what I need, if it is HIS will to give it. For peace when I don't understand.
All of this, for just one thing from me- my heart and my love.
A better bargain has never been struck.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Don't shoot the messenger
So I've got alot on my mind, and not alot of time to put it all down. Bear with me.
Mark and I have a strong relationship. Rock solid. But rock solid doesn't mean it's always happy. It doesn't mean it's free from painful times. Last week was just such a time for us.
I know what I am going to say is not a popular way to see married life. But for me, it is what my psyche and soul can settle comfortably into.
My husband needs to be put back on the list. He needs to be my number one priority. He cannot be neglected or sidelined simply because he can take care of himself, or because he doesn't complain. He needs to be first in my life. This has not been the case lately.
I know that I am a really good mother. I have moments of doubt, but I know it because I try damn hard to be so. But I don't try so hard at being a wife. I don't put a tenth of the effort into it as I do to being a mother. Why?
Because Lily NEEDS me so much. She needs and depends on me for survival. But in a way, so does Mark. I am his lifeline, his partner, his friend. I even work at my friendships. Why wouldn't I work at my relationship?
Because it's easier not to. Because it takes time I don't have. Because I am tired. Yes, all of those are true... but in neglecting him I am neglecting the cornerstone of our household. I am neglecting the foundation of our family. Without him, we crumble.
Yes, I know that's soooo not women are taught in our society. We are taught that marriage is a partnership, it's 50/50. But In doing so, we deny some of the basic truths of our genders. Women are more nurturing. Women can multi-task. Women think with their soul and hearts and spirits as well as their minds. Women can run a household, nurture their children, be a good citizen, make time for their friends, and take care of their man. Men can think logically and not let emotion dictate decision making. They can make definitive decisions. They are analytical and driven. They want to provide and protect.
Now I am not saying that some of these traits don't cross gender lines. Many of them do, and can. But our strength as women lies in our softness, our kindess, our nurturing tendencies. When we are competing for power in our relationship, we defeat ourselves. When we are trying to maintain ALL of the power, we are defeating our man. And no defeated man is happy, I can tell you that. I speak from experience.
I am a nag. I am unkind. I snap. I wrestle for power. This comes naturally to me, whether it is something I have been taught or personality.
But when I do that, I hurt my husband. I anger him. I defeat him. And then he is unhappy. And if he is unhappy, so am I.
And damnitt, I want to be happy!!!! I want him to be happy!!!!
So, I have been attempting, to the best of my ability, to humble myself. To think of Mark FIRST. To think of him as a person, not just my husband. As my friend. As my great love. To give freely to him without worrying if I am giving up control. To surrender to the role that seems to echo soundly with my concience. I am a wife. I run this household. I stay home because he provides. And I love him, dearly.
Now don't get me wrong. I am no June Cleaver. But I am striving at every point in my day, to think about something I can do for Mark. Make him tea. Make him lunch. Tell him I love him. Clean the house, cook a meal, do the laundry- without complaint or calling attention to it.
For the rest of my life, this man is my companion. After the babies are gone, after I am old and wrinkled. I am his, he is mine. I want to cultivate the kind of love story my children will be proud to tell. No, this way is not the popular way. It has nothing to do with feminism...but it has everything to do with love. It has everything to do with happiness. And I'll take that over power any day.
Mark and I have a strong relationship. Rock solid. But rock solid doesn't mean it's always happy. It doesn't mean it's free from painful times. Last week was just such a time for us.
I know what I am going to say is not a popular way to see married life. But for me, it is what my psyche and soul can settle comfortably into.
My husband needs to be put back on the list. He needs to be my number one priority. He cannot be neglected or sidelined simply because he can take care of himself, or because he doesn't complain. He needs to be first in my life. This has not been the case lately.
I know that I am a really good mother. I have moments of doubt, but I know it because I try damn hard to be so. But I don't try so hard at being a wife. I don't put a tenth of the effort into it as I do to being a mother. Why?
Because Lily NEEDS me so much. She needs and depends on me for survival. But in a way, so does Mark. I am his lifeline, his partner, his friend. I even work at my friendships. Why wouldn't I work at my relationship?
Because it's easier not to. Because it takes time I don't have. Because I am tired. Yes, all of those are true... but in neglecting him I am neglecting the cornerstone of our household. I am neglecting the foundation of our family. Without him, we crumble.
Yes, I know that's soooo not women are taught in our society. We are taught that marriage is a partnership, it's 50/50. But In doing so, we deny some of the basic truths of our genders. Women are more nurturing. Women can multi-task. Women think with their soul and hearts and spirits as well as their minds. Women can run a household, nurture their children, be a good citizen, make time for their friends, and take care of their man. Men can think logically and not let emotion dictate decision making. They can make definitive decisions. They are analytical and driven. They want to provide and protect.
Now I am not saying that some of these traits don't cross gender lines. Many of them do, and can. But our strength as women lies in our softness, our kindess, our nurturing tendencies. When we are competing for power in our relationship, we defeat ourselves. When we are trying to maintain ALL of the power, we are defeating our man. And no defeated man is happy, I can tell you that. I speak from experience.
I am a nag. I am unkind. I snap. I wrestle for power. This comes naturally to me, whether it is something I have been taught or personality.
But when I do that, I hurt my husband. I anger him. I defeat him. And then he is unhappy. And if he is unhappy, so am I.
And damnitt, I want to be happy!!!! I want him to be happy!!!!
So, I have been attempting, to the best of my ability, to humble myself. To think of Mark FIRST. To think of him as a person, not just my husband. As my friend. As my great love. To give freely to him without worrying if I am giving up control. To surrender to the role that seems to echo soundly with my concience. I am a wife. I run this household. I stay home because he provides. And I love him, dearly.
Now don't get me wrong. I am no June Cleaver. But I am striving at every point in my day, to think about something I can do for Mark. Make him tea. Make him lunch. Tell him I love him. Clean the house, cook a meal, do the laundry- without complaint or calling attention to it.
For the rest of my life, this man is my companion. After the babies are gone, after I am old and wrinkled. I am his, he is mine. I want to cultivate the kind of love story my children will be proud to tell. No, this way is not the popular way. It has nothing to do with feminism...but it has everything to do with love. It has everything to do with happiness. And I'll take that over power any day.
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