Tuesday, January 26, 2010

And just like that...

Today was a good day. Manageable. Happy. I am sitting now with a sweet baby girl sleeping in her room, a baby boy sleeping on his daddy, and my laptop next to a warm cup of decaf.

Today was calm. I got out and a bout a bit, I got a great nap, and I prayed...alot.

I came to realize last night that I do not have to go about this on my own. I do not have to answer "I am fine." and put on a happy face when I don't feel it. I can ask for help. It is more courageous to do so than to not. It is not weakness to admit you can't do it all.

And I can't do it all. And that's okay.

My house is dusty. It is not picked up. Dishes are in the sink and flowers sit rotting in their vases. Trash cans are overflowing. But my baby girl laughed all day. She danced and sang. My boy slept all day while his sister danced around him. We all got out and got sunshine on our faces.

So this, for now, is what I can do. I can feed my boy and hold my girl. And I can throw a load of laundry in and scramble some eggs. And I can get through each moment knowing that if my kiddos are happy, warm, fed, and loved, my job is done. Everything else is icing.

I promise you one thing. I will never be less than honest here. It would be tough for me to admit if you asked me in person that I am struggling, but here is different. And if you struggled or are struggling, tell me. Be honest with me too. I know I can't be the only one. And I also know we are "supposed" to be fine. We are supposed to be so suffused with joy at the birth of a child that we cannot say anything negative.

But you know what? Joy in the first few days is fleeting. There are moments of intense beauty, but also sleeplessness and weepiness and insecurity.

So day 10 has come and gone. And I am trying to focus on blessings and what I CAN do rather than what I can't.

Here's to more days like this one.