Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Can't. Even. Speak.

So much to say, no way to say it.

Good stuff. Awesome stuff. Happy stuff.

You'll have to wait.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Coon Coon Ca Choo

It's 10 PM. I walk into the living room to see Mark perched on the edge of his easy chair, an intense look on his face. He points to the window which faces the backyard.

Squatting beneath our birdfeeder is a HUGE racoon. Huge. I mean the size of a small truck. Or a housecat.

The window is open, and he is staring right at Mark and I while he dines. Stare stare, chew. Stare stare, chew.

"Awwwww he's cute!!!" I say.

"I'm calling animal control." Mark says.

I go to unlock the door, thinking he will surely run. I mean, come on, scary lady in an old nightgown with no makeup? I'd run, birdseed or no birdeed.

He has other ideas. Not only doesn't he run even when I step out onto the deck, he also does a little shuffle and head bob, Ali-style.

Oh no he di'nt.

I decide he isn't cute anymore. I decide he is rabid and filthy. Mark is on board with this decision.

We both stand, only 10 feet away from him. He continues eating and staring. While I am glancing down to find some shoes, Mark picks up Lily's toy popper- you know the one that looks like a little vacuum and is so utterly annoying? You have one. You know why it's on the deck. Don't judge me.

Mark shakes the popper in the air and does a little dance, Egy-style. Of course, since I am not expecting this, it scares me to death and I drop to the deck and pee myself. This makes us laugh until we cannot breathe.

He still doesn't move. He is really creeping us out now.

Oh, where is the dog you ask? Asleep on our bed, naturally.

Mark finally gets close to chase him off. He climbs the fence lazily, casting us one more creepy stare over his shoulder as he goes.

Mark swaggers inside, proud. Man chase off beast size of cat. Man is big man. Man is strong man.

We are sure he is gone for good. Ten minutes later, however, he is peeking over our fence like a masked bandit.

This calls for the big guns. We let out the dog.

Brooklyn stumbles unsteadily out of the doogie door, having been woken from her sleep on our WHITE duvet. (white duvet, black dog...insert gasp here) She comes face to face with the racoon, seeing him perched on the fence. And she does....nothing.

She stares. He stares. I shriek at Brooklyn to earn her kibble and "Get im!!" She pees. She scratches herself lazily. The racoon sits on the fence and watches calmly, waiting, I am sure, to hop onto one of us and eat our face, hannibal-style.

Finally, the racoon makes a move to come down the fence onto the rocks below. That's when all hell breaks loose and Brooklyn goes to town. She barks, she yelps, she growls, and she repeatedly hits the fence like a little wrecking ball. The racoon is now on the other side of the fence, hissing and spitting and growling itself.

Brooklyn barks and growls, Mark takes the hose and sprays the varmit with it. "Great," I mutter, "Now he's had food and shower. It's the wild kingdon B&B!"

We hear him crash into the underbrush and run off. Brooklyn gives one last bark and then saunters into the house with her "Gimme a treat, lady!" doggie grin. I oblige.

Need I remind ya'll of the snake incident? Remember, back over a year ago?


You'd think we were Ma and Pa Clampett with all this dang wildlife. I think it's time to buy me a wicker rocker and start whittling on the back porch. Naw, that would ruin my manicure. Ahem.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Today I just feel so blessed.

My life is just full. Filled with good friends who I can give to and take from without score keeping. A husband who is through and through good and godly. And a daughter whom I adore with all of my heart.

There used to be a time when I would wait for the other shoe to drop. You know what it's like, maybe- thinking things are too good and something has to happen to mess things up. But I feel like stepping out on God's love a bit more lately. I feel like opening my heart alot more. I feel like loving and being kind without wondering when I am going to get wounded.

It just doesn't matter if I get hurt, because I will. What matters is what I do afterwards. And what I am gonna do is praise God. I'm going to love Him. I'm going to lean into Him when I am scared of being vulnerable, and I am going to KNOW that earthly pain is just a blink.

I've spent alot of time being angry. Anger anger anger. Pissed off. That's done now too. I can't sustain that in the face of my blessings. No bitterness can hold up to the warmth of my daughter's smile. No anger can hold when I look at the big picture- my life, my love, my God.

I've had a few months of what I feel has been very little spiritual growth. I've felt stranded, to tell you the truth. I felt like I was reaching to God and He simply wasn't listening. I know now the reaching was growth in God. Sometimes there is a season of loneliness.

I have spent alot of time trying to be worthy of God, and hiding when I felt I wasn't. Then during a sermon I heard something I will never forget- "Stop trying to EARN God's love, and just receive it."

That's something huh? Gosh that's hard. It's easy to love, but it's so hard to receive it. To accept it. To be vulnerable and soft. To open up. To accept love. But I can't ever earn God's love. It is just given, freely. The only thing I have to say is yes and allow Him to love me.

So I challenge you. In this moment, just close your eyes for a second. Just allow His love to flow through you. Allow Him to be close, to love you. Accept Him. There's nothing on this earth that can separate you from God...except yourself.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Who is your hero?

I spent alot of time setting myself up for disaster. Believing in things or people that I shouldn't. Spending time on people I shouldn't spend time on. Settling for friendships that I shouldn't. Expecting things from family members who cannot provide what I need.

See, I need alot. Just ask my husband. I am demanding of his time, of his affection, and of his love. I expect alot from him. And to this day he has never let me down. This road has not been easy. I tested him in every way possible, pushed him away, clung to him. I did everything to scare him off. But he stuck to me and I to him. We are stronger now than ever.

But is he my hero? No.

My father...oh my father. I could go on and on. But it's not worth it. Suffice it to say he doesn't know jack about parenting. He can love, yes, but it's not the love I need. I always needed more and more from him. He never gave it. I expected him to save me, as a daddy should. Didn't happen. I put him on a pedestal, I created a "hero" out of him. But just in the past few years have I realized that he will never be that for me. He is who he is. I love him, but I don't depend on him for anything.

He is not my hero.

I think you get the point here. I have always ached for love and acceptance. I have always struggled with needing too much. I have seen what I wanted to see in others and had the hell blown out of my heart for it. This is true of most everyone I know.

People fail you. It's human nature.

But God simply cannot fail. He can refuse to give us what we ask for. He can let situations happen where we are hurt and broken and shouting at Him to help us. We can rage at him for unanswered prayers and for our broken human hearts.

But in the end, God knows what is in store for us. He knows. Nothing surprises him. He knows we will turn away from him...and He knows one day we will come running back to Him. He knows we will curse and gossip and wound and sin. He knows we will blow it. He knows every step we will take, every mistake. He will watch with tears in His eyes as we hurt and mourn. He is not immune to our pain, but He sees the much much bigger picture.

Disappointment teaches. Pain and lonliness allow us to turn to God. We reach. We have need for a hero. We have a need to be saved from ourselves. But our deepest need is to be loved. To be accepted. To be cherished. All of these we have in abundance, just by saying "Yes" when He speaks our name.

I've learned alot of things over the course of my life. I've forgotten many more. The deepest and profound lesson of my life has been this- God loves me, and He KNOWS me. Every part of me. All of my flaws. All of my secrets. Every good and bad thing. And He loves it all.

So for the rest of my life, I have only one hero. Sure, I could look at celebrities. I could look to successful men and women who make alot of money. I could look anywhere really. But thats all false promise. The real hero, the one who saves and loves, is just a breath away. He is a whisper away, a moment away.

My hero will never fail me. He will never turn his back. He will always be worthy of my admiration. I can rest easy, I can love Him, I can trust Him.

He may not be the flashiest of heroes, or the most popular. But He is mine.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Yadda Yadda Yadda

Have you missed me?

No. Didn't even notice I was gone, you say?

Well, ahem.

Mooooving along.

There are times when I just don't feel like writing. When the machine in my mind stills to dull roar and words don't threaten to tumble out of my ears. It happens seldomly, but this is one of those times.

I just don't have much to say. Imagine that. :P

So, I will just leave you with a link to one of the most powerful sermons I have ever experienced.

This church, and this pastor, get it right.



Sunday, May 10, 2009


Before I became a mother, Mother's Day was not on my radar much. It had never been a day to celebrate, frankly, and I tended to try to ignore it or spend the day in tears amid bag and bags of chocolate.

Just 3 years ago, I spent Mother's Day crying in Mark's arms, wondering if we would ever be pregnant. I gave it all up to God that day, simply telling Him I couldn't bear the burden anymore.

I conceived Lily in June. :)

I've spent this morning going about my routine, folding laundry, cleaning a bit. It was like any other day until I was sitting on the floor with Lily, reading. The sunlight hit her hair and her face, her caramel colored eyes sparkling. She is just such a big girl now. She is taller, more graceful. She is kind. She is onery.

I can't tell you enough, in words strong enough or big enough of how my child saved me. She is my hero. She is the love of my life. I have NEVER loved anyone like I love her. She made me into something more than what I am. She made me a mother. I look at her, and I see proof the God loves me, believes in me, and has faith in me. She created me from the ruins I was. She raised me into motherhood.

I could tell you all day about how beautiful she is. I could go on and on about how cute her feet are, how she makes this face that just cracks me up. I could talk about her soft belly, her perfect ears, her turned up nose.

But it is her spirit that makes her truly beautiful. Her compassionte heart. Her nurturing kindness. She is the work of a loving God, and He has entrusted her to ME. To ME. I feel at once unworthy, and overwhelmed.

Mother's Day is wonderful. A day to recognize the women in our life who love us and care for us. A day to recognize Aunts who stepped in where mother's stepped away. A day to recognize mother in laws who raised our husbands to be good men. A day to recognize ourselves and how we love and give.

But this day is also, for me, a day to recognize my daughter, and how very much she means to me. How she makes me be a better person. How just by being alive and here in my arms, she saves me. How I can look at myself as a mother and truly love what I see. She makes me love myself.

My Lily made me believe in myself. She made me rise up and be the person I want to be. She gives me such devotion and love that I can only return it, tenfold. She is...everything. She is my world.

I have been graced and blessed to know some really amazing mothers. To all of you, Happy Mother's Day. I hope it is everything you wish it to be.

To my sweet Joshua,

Thank you for sending the bunny. We love you.



Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Not many words tonight. Just heaviness. I feel stalled. I feel as if my life is on hold. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a child growing inside me. I long. The longing is like a living thing. Life looks a little bleak tonight. This house needs two babies. My arms are too empty.

So I am clinging to my God, and his promises.

No matter what comes, I praise Him. I praise Him through my tears, through my aching, longing mother's heart. I praise Him with an empty womb. I praise Him, because I trust Him.