Sunday, May 17, 2009

Who is your hero?

I spent alot of time setting myself up for disaster. Believing in things or people that I shouldn't. Spending time on people I shouldn't spend time on. Settling for friendships that I shouldn't. Expecting things from family members who cannot provide what I need.

See, I need alot. Just ask my husband. I am demanding of his time, of his affection, and of his love. I expect alot from him. And to this day he has never let me down. This road has not been easy. I tested him in every way possible, pushed him away, clung to him. I did everything to scare him off. But he stuck to me and I to him. We are stronger now than ever.

But is he my hero? No.

My father...oh my father. I could go on and on. But it's not worth it. Suffice it to say he doesn't know jack about parenting. He can love, yes, but it's not the love I need. I always needed more and more from him. He never gave it. I expected him to save me, as a daddy should. Didn't happen. I put him on a pedestal, I created a "hero" out of him. But just in the past few years have I realized that he will never be that for me. He is who he is. I love him, but I don't depend on him for anything.

He is not my hero.

I think you get the point here. I have always ached for love and acceptance. I have always struggled with needing too much. I have seen what I wanted to see in others and had the hell blown out of my heart for it. This is true of most everyone I know.

People fail you. It's human nature.

But God simply cannot fail. He can refuse to give us what we ask for. He can let situations happen where we are hurt and broken and shouting at Him to help us. We can rage at him for unanswered prayers and for our broken human hearts.

But in the end, God knows what is in store for us. He knows. Nothing surprises him. He knows we will turn away from him...and He knows one day we will come running back to Him. He knows we will curse and gossip and wound and sin. He knows we will blow it. He knows every step we will take, every mistake. He will watch with tears in His eyes as we hurt and mourn. He is not immune to our pain, but He sees the much much bigger picture.

Disappointment teaches. Pain and lonliness allow us to turn to God. We reach. We have need for a hero. We have a need to be saved from ourselves. But our deepest need is to be loved. To be accepted. To be cherished. All of these we have in abundance, just by saying "Yes" when He speaks our name.

I've learned alot of things over the course of my life. I've forgotten many more. The deepest and profound lesson of my life has been this- God loves me, and He KNOWS me. Every part of me. All of my flaws. All of my secrets. Every good and bad thing. And He loves it all.

So for the rest of my life, I have only one hero. Sure, I could look at celebrities. I could look to successful men and women who make alot of money. I could look anywhere really. But thats all false promise. The real hero, the one who saves and loves, is just a breath away. He is a whisper away, a moment away.

My hero will never fail me. He will never turn his back. He will always be worthy of my admiration. I can rest easy, I can love Him, I can trust Him.

He may not be the flashiest of heroes, or the most popular. But He is mine.