Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Dear Lily,

I am struggling to explain the world to you right now. I am trying my best to show you life as it is, not sugar coated, not overly coddled. I want you to know that there is safety in our home. There is trust, there is love, and there is knowledge that you will never be hurt.

But the world is cruel sometimes, and already you are getting a taste of that. Yesterday at the park, a big boy pushed past you to get to the slide. You looked at me immediately with bewilderment. I smiled. You smiled back, tentatively, and went on your way. But at that moment, I felt my heart drop.

You didn't defend yourself. Instead, you looked to me. And maybe, at your age, that is appropriate. But it fills me with fear for the day that I may not be there when you look for me. I want you to stand up for yourself, to be strong. I want you to be a tough little girl who doesn't get bullied or pushed around.

But how can I teach you this without you losing your gentle and loving spirit? The spirit that causes you to tell everyone that you love them, to kiss and hug your friends over and over? Hoe can I teach you the balance between tough and tender?

I want you to view this world in a way that keeps you safe and sane. To make your way without stumbling. I want to protect you, but at the same time, I want you to fly on your own.

You have the dearest heart, my love. You are kind. You are so loving. You are so gentle. And you teach me, everyday, that life in the moment is what matters. You teach me that love saves. You teach me that family is everything.

So I cannot promise you the world will never be cruel to you. I cannot say you will never be pushed, or hurt. I can't tell you that sometimes you won't feel sad or troubled. Life is difficult.

But I can promise you one thing, baby girl. I will always be here. When you are sad, come to me. When the world has hurt you, let me comfort you. When nobody is on your side, I will be your cheerleader. When you are rejected, I will open my arms to you and show you shelter. I will cry with you, I will celebrate your victories. I will be the one who steps forward when nobody else does, or the one who steps back to let you shine.

I love you, and I love your good heart. I am proud you are beautiful, and proud you are smart. But I am most proud, my dear sweet love, that you are good and kind. I pray I can help you keep those qualities, even when the big boys of this world push you aside.


Monday, March 22, 2010


Motherhood is a layering of miracles, a swath of experiences so profound that they cannot be explained. Words cannot be ascribed to something so primal, so deep. Very few things in this life penetrate all layers of self- physical, spiritual, mental- like being a mother.

Motherhood is a great equalizer. Sit in a room full of other mothers and all of the extraneous baggage falls away. It is no longer about what car you drive, how big your house is, who you were before birth, your job, your husband. It becomes about your little people, about you as a mother. Nothing else takes precedence over that.

I will never be able to articulate what motherhood is to me. It is beyond words, this feeling. This love that knows no bounds. This sacrificing of self. It is love and beyond love. It is devotion and a laying down of everything that is about me, and becoming what is about them.

Some people would argue with me. Some would say you must fight to keep your sense of self. But for me, personally, my sense of self is all wrapped up in my ability to mother successfully. If that is wrong, then it is wrong. If I am doing myself a disservice, fine. I'll deal with that later. For right now, this is all I know how to be. A mother, first. All else second.

I count myself so very lucky. I know what the other side looks like. I know the darkness and twisted path that motherhood can take. I have seen the blood, I have felt the blows. I know where I do not want to set my feet. I know there is no force on earth that could take me there- none.

And so my days are filled with doing for others- with rocking and singing and playing and consoling. My life is full and busy. My world is my family and my home. And in it, I see holiness. I see God in every action. I see this house and this life as a shelter from the rest of the world- and I am determined it should always be so.

So I will continue to see the holy things in the mundane. I will see the cross in the clothespin, the parable in the chaos. I will love, and be loved. I will give even without getting back. I will sacrifice all that I am for all these two little people will be.

And through it all I will know that I am healing all of the brokenness in myself. I am sealing the wounds. I am staunching the bleeding that the past has created. There is nothing in this world that can heal me like motherhood. Nothing that can bring me more peace, or more fulfillment. As the years go on I will watch the past fade and soon, very soon, I will think of it not with anger or sadness...but with the resignation that comes with total forgiveness.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Well, hello there...

Anybody miss me?


Errrr okay. Awkward....

Anywho, I have bee on a sort of unplanned blog haitus. Which means, in truth, I have been held hostage by this little monkey:

But all in all he has been a humane captor. With the exception of taking me from this ( . )( . ) to this ( o ) ( o ). Which would be great if they also didn't nearly touch the floor. Sheesh.

Anywho, let's catch up. I had a baby about 2 months ago. Ummmm....and that's about it.

We are all adjusting much better. You want proof- get a load of my new header photo. And there's also this-


I'd show you a current pic of me, but let's wait until the bags under my eyes and the spit up on my shirt is remedied shall we? Mmmmmkay.

Things are going well most days. We have our moments, but I can say that we are adjusting to life as a family of four. The hardest part for me is just the intense amount of preparation it takes just to get out of the house. Nurse, change diaper, put toddler on potty, pack diaper bag, nurse, put toddler on potty, change my shirt, make grocery list, nurse, burp, deal with a meltdown, etc. By the time we do all that, most days it's 11 AM, and I am too pissed off and tired to even actually leave.

But all of that pales and fades away when I look at my two babies. I am utterly in love with them. Totally head over heels.

And even more, I know I was born to this. I am a good mother. I am strong and kind and I love them and sacrifice for them. I am what I was born to be, in this very moment I am living God's plan for my life- to raise these two special creatures. It is a privledge and a joy and I am honored.

I think alot these days about how far I have come. How life can change and meld into something you could never have expected. How the eternal things ecome so much more important as the years go on. Family is everything, love is paramount. Everything else is just icing.

And love- well we have that in abundance around here these days. Love, grace, laughter, joy...all of these things surround us.

I wish you the same.