Monday, February 8, 2010

Babies don't keep

I am struck with gratitude this morning. I am tired, I am worn out, and I am grateful. I get to hold my sweet babies. I get to watch my babies grow. I get to see Lily ride her bike, and watch Samuel nurse and begin to smile.

Some other parents are right now letting go of their children, giving them up to heaven. They are holding their child's hand, whispering words, sitting silent. They are crying, weeping. They are praying. I cannot imagine.

So many times I get caught up in the stress of my day. I look past the sweet moments and see the piles of laundry. I miss the chance to hug, kiss, cuddle...because I am too busy. I am not in the moment as often as I should be. I am, instead, making lists in my head of what I should be doing.

Truth be told, what I should be doing is loving my babies. I should be taking every opportunity to kiss and cuddle and read books and play play-dough and talk and laugh. I should stop getting caught up in what is not getting done, and focus on what I CAN do, right now, in this moment.

I found a blog yesterday. It is heartbreaking and beautiful. It made me think. It made me cry. And most of all, it made me make the decision to be in the moment, right now, with my children.

Dust can wait. Laundry can pile up. E-mail can go unanswered. One day my children will not want to spend time with me. They will not want to be picked up or read to. They will want me to fade into the background.

So today, I will not rush. I will not spend each moment of a feeding with Samuel thinking about what I could be getting done. I will not rush through a book with Lily so I can return a phone call. I will love, and pay attention, and give, and let the mundane details of life wait.

Hug your babies today. Love them, and SEE them. Do it for those parents who cannot.

Fly high, sweet baby Layla.

The walk

Lots to say. Lots of thoughts and feelings to convey. But the words are a bit lost, buried beneath the busy-ness. Thoughts get swept away with the crumbs of lunch, deep meaningful conversations are given up to sleep. We are living life in the moment here, in our little house. We are getting through it all second by second.

It occured to me that I hadn't spoken to God in nearly a week. All of my words and thoughts and time go to my two little people. There is not much left for anyone else, and God has gotten lost in the shuffle. So last night as I sat up nursing Samuel, I apologized to Him. I got a bit teary eyed- I miss those times of silence and peace and the give and take of love. But then I looked down at Samuel, and it was as if God had spoken directly to my soul- with every moment of care, every kiss and cuddle and diaper change, I am worshiping my Savior. With every moment I put Lily's needs before my own, every time I struggle with how to give her all the attention she needs, with every time I hold her and rock her and make sure she is happy, I am doing God's work.

He put me here to mother. He created me to carry these babies. I was born to raise these children, and right now, at this moment, I am fufilling a destiny He created for me.

What we do as moms is not glamorous. It is thankless at times. It is tough. It is busy. It leaves little time for ourselves. But it is so sacred. It is beautiful. We are creating a little bit of heaven here on earth- a place of peace, of love, of acceptance and affection. We are the face of God for our children.

So I am walking this line right now. The one where I can do it all, and where I cannot. I have cried many times these past weeks, and laughed and felt more joy than ever before. But I know with every step, God is with me. He is helping me to see the divine in the mundane, to create love and laughter and memories, and to give more of myself when I feel there is nothing left. He is opening me, teaching me. And He is inviting me to lean deeper into Him, to draw strength from Him. He is asking me to love more, yell less, look deeper, give more, speak less and listen more. He is inviting me into a deeper walk with Him, just by mothering my babies.

And I am listening, and loving, and finally living the life He intended me to.