Monday, February 8, 2010

The walk

Lots to say. Lots of thoughts and feelings to convey. But the words are a bit lost, buried beneath the busy-ness. Thoughts get swept away with the crumbs of lunch, deep meaningful conversations are given up to sleep. We are living life in the moment here, in our little house. We are getting through it all second by second.

It occured to me that I hadn't spoken to God in nearly a week. All of my words and thoughts and time go to my two little people. There is not much left for anyone else, and God has gotten lost in the shuffle. So last night as I sat up nursing Samuel, I apologized to Him. I got a bit teary eyed- I miss those times of silence and peace and the give and take of love. But then I looked down at Samuel, and it was as if God had spoken directly to my soul- with every moment of care, every kiss and cuddle and diaper change, I am worshiping my Savior. With every moment I put Lily's needs before my own, every time I struggle with how to give her all the attention she needs, with every time I hold her and rock her and make sure she is happy, I am doing God's work.

He put me here to mother. He created me to carry these babies. I was born to raise these children, and right now, at this moment, I am fufilling a destiny He created for me.

What we do as moms is not glamorous. It is thankless at times. It is tough. It is busy. It leaves little time for ourselves. But it is so sacred. It is beautiful. We are creating a little bit of heaven here on earth- a place of peace, of love, of acceptance and affection. We are the face of God for our children.

So I am walking this line right now. The one where I can do it all, and where I cannot. I have cried many times these past weeks, and laughed and felt more joy than ever before. But I know with every step, God is with me. He is helping me to see the divine in the mundane, to create love and laughter and memories, and to give more of myself when I feel there is nothing left. He is opening me, teaching me. And He is inviting me to lean deeper into Him, to draw strength from Him. He is asking me to love more, yell less, look deeper, give more, speak less and listen more. He is inviting me into a deeper walk with Him, just by mothering my babies.

And I am listening, and loving, and finally living the life He intended me to.