Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The New Perfection

I'm gonna give it to you straight here. I don't have my shit together. Right now there are dishes in the sink, laundry molding in the washer, soap scum in my shower. I have thank you's that have not been written. I have 4 day old mascara on. I have no idea what I am going to feed my daughter for dinner. And this is on a GOOD day. Some days, it feels like a trip to the nut factory is just a breath away. Sometimes, truth be told, a stay in the looney bin seems like it might be a nice vacation.

I AM NOT PERFECT. Despite how I try to appear to be. Despite my efforts to seem totally with it, I am not. Oh, I may have my makeup and jewelry on. My clothing may not be stained. My kids may be clean. But I am in a constant head space of "Why can't I do it all???!!!"

Because nobody can, that's why.

I find myself fighting at all times to do the things that need to be done. To clean the house, to constantly keep my daughter entertained. To keep my son stimulated so he doesn't turn into a blob. To keep up my realtionship with my husband so he doesn't find somebody cuter, funnier...or somebody who doesn't smell like baby lotion because she ran out of Victorias Secret lotion over a month ago.

Cause that's what we are supposed to be right? We are supposed to be bombshells in our aprons and heels. We are supposed to be the soccer mom, the PTA mom, the mom who makes the best cookies and never raises her voice. The hot mom who seduces her husband often and with great creativity.

We are supposed to love staying home, to not find it tedious. We are not supposed to long for adult conversation or a martini or a hot meal. We are supposed to sacrifice. We are supposed to give all.

But let me ask you something. If you give all to everyone else...what's left? And if you deplete yourself...who takes care of everyone else when you tank? Vicious cycle.

We aren't supposed to be honest about the loneliness. We aren't suppposed to talk about how caring for children can be sort of like an abusive realtionship- put all of your love and care into someone who is not invested in giving anything back to you. We aren't supposed to say "IF I HEAR BARNEY ONE MORE TIME I AM GONNA FIND HIS PURPLE ASS AND MAKE HIM DISAPPEAR!!!!" or "Dude, I have had people hanging off of me all day. Please don't touch me." or " I want to run away."

We are supposed to be perfect, all sacrificing martyrs.

Screw that.

I have worked since I was 13. I spent 16 years taking care of other peoples children. I worked hard...very hard. AND THIS IS HARDER BY FAR.

I am responsible for getting 2 little people into adulthood without any psychosis or permanent injuries. I have to be 2 steps ahead at all times. In see the accidents waiting to happen, the creepy guy at the park. I see the unlocked medicine cabinet and the unhelmeted head. I weigh safety at all times. I am constantly on the lookout for death.


Perfection is not possible. And striving for it is an exercise in futility.

So I say the new perfection is this- if I make it thru the day and nobody is bleeding, if everyone is fed and has had at least one veggie and fruit, if there were hugs and kisses and I love yous, it is imperfectly perfect.

I may be the mother at the park yelling at her kid, I may prop my sons cereal bottle just to get five minutes to do laundry, I may feign sleep to get out of sex...but I am doing the best I can.

And I bet you are too. So let's rebel agaist this idea of perfection together, shall we? I'll be the one at the park giving my daughter easter Peeps and gatorade for a snack because I forgot to pack a healthy one. You will be the one with spitup on your shirt and peaches in your hair.

And neither one of us will be ashamed.

Meet ya there. :)