Friday, February 18, 2011


I love God. I believe in Him. I walk everyday with Him. I try to please Him.

But here's the thing:

I have friends that are not believers. Friends that are agnostic. Friends that are atheists.


I get the lack of trust, and the lack of willingness to leap into something that will change you from the inside out. I get the fear. I get the feeling that turning your back is easier that opening your arms to God.

I have walked that long and lonely road. I was never in a position of disbelief, exactly, but one of ambivalence and sometimes, hostility. I knew God existed, but I doubted he cared at all for me.

Life had not led me to believe any different, and radical changes do not happen in a vacuum. I had to actively search out something more. I had to reach for more. I had to dig myself out of the hole of anger I was in. I had to come to the absolute end of myself. And I did. Then love came and rescued me.

But my story isn't one that alot of people get to live. Many people have been hurt and abandoned. Many people have been injured by their past. Many people have been put through the wringer by religion so that they shied away from it forever. Their hearts have been hardened by the world so much that it cannot be softened by God.

And I get that.

I cannot judge anyone with regards to their beliefs, because I have walked both sides of this fence. I have howled at God, raged, and washed my hands of Him. I have fallen on my knees and begged for God to save me, to heal my mother. And He didn't. And I don't know why.

All I can say if you are in that place is that the comfort of knowing God is so, so much more profound than the righteousness of turning your back when your pleas, go unheard. I still question. I still don't understand why I am scarred. I still rage, sometimes, because of the remembered pain.


He is so much more than our own knowledge. He is so much more than our human experience. He sees ALL, and He knows ALL. He sees the big picture. He sees beyond the pain to what it creates in us. Hurt, betrayal, rejection, loss, abandonment, anger, sickness...all of it is a bridge. It spans the gap between us feeling like we can conquer the world on our own, and knowing we need to reach for a power beyond us to survive the world.

I could be bitter. I could be angry. I have been. And rightfully so. But now, I can surrender to the knowledge that all of my life is in the hands of One who sees it all, who knows how to refine me into a person capable of handling anything coming my way.

So if you don't believe, I understand. I would never judge you. I would never look down on you. I would simply pray that your heart would unfold in the tiniest corner, soften slowly enough to just let a little bit of God's love seep in.

Because, my friend, hope and love are everything. And they are magnified a thousand times by sharing it with a God who loves you back, fiercely. It is so profoundly comforting to rest easy in the knowledge that even when you don't have the answers, He does. There is nothing He does not want to give you, and nothing he will not lead you through. All He asks of you is communion with Him. A dialogue. A stretching of belief to cover things unseen. A closing of the eyes and reaching out in prayer to Him, to feeling Him surround you. He asks for you to love Him, because he loves you.

So if you are in the place of fearing to believe, fear of stepping out on faith, I understand. You are poised above a precipice, and the unknown lies below. But I can assure you, sweet friend, that you will never regret the step. Never.