This is truly one of the most difficult posts I have ever written.
Sometimes I have a hard time trusting in God.
Are you cringing?
I know.
That sentence makes me cringe.
But if I am going to share with you, I have to share all of it.
And my belief sometimes wavers. I am inconstant. I am disloyal. I am petulant.
When I see tragedy. When I see wrong. When I feel betrayed. I don't want to trust then.
Because I don't want to think of the God I love watching pain and not intervening.
And if I am being completley honest, it is because in a very deep dark part of myself, I don't trust Him with my heart.
It's a part that is reserved, locked behind walls. The part of me that was wounded and protects itself. That part of me does not trust. And that part of me rears it's ugly head far to often.
Today I was running. And I was worshiping. And I was talking to God.
And He stopped me in my prattling and prayer and silenced me.
And I heard, clearly, His voice.
Do you love me?
Of course, Lord. You have blessed me and given me so much...
Do you love me?
Yes.
Do you trust me?
Not fully. (and that HURT to admit)
Why?
Yes, why? Why don't I trust Him? Why is that part of me reserved for disbeleif? Why haven't I plunged into His love and fully committed myself to trust?
Hasn't he earned it? And doesn't He deserve it?
What am I waiting for?
Well, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am waiting for it to all be revealed to be smoke and mirrors. I am waiting for the fallout.
I am waiting for Him to stop loving me.
As I have always done with those I loved.
Ingrained in my soul is the ability to on the face trust, but to pull back the most sacred part of myself and keep it hidden...just in case.
And He said:
In case of what?
And I had no answer. Because with God there is no "in case". There is NOTHING, nothing in this life He does not walk me through. There is not one injury that goes unseen, There is not one sin unnoted. There is not one appeal for forgiveness repelled.
Nothing, nothing, can be hidden from God. And nothing cannot be walked through. There is nothing that cannot be healed. Nothing that cannot be mended.
You may think that part of yourself is hidden. But it is fully revealed to me at every moment.
Oh.
Well.
Allright then.
Ahem.
I guess it is time to shine a bright light on that part of myself. To look and see it, fully.
And to open it, to the One who can at all times, and in all things, be trusted.
There is no point in loving unless you do it all the way. By throwing your heart in despite what may happen. By trusting love. By trusting that if hurt comes, it teaches. By deciding that injury is inevitable, disappointment expected. We cannot love without enduring pain. Opening yourself requires being vulnerable to hurt.
And right at this moment, I am refusing to let hurt worry me anymore. I am refusing to let pain and past regrets determine how I love, now. TODAY.
I am casting all of my belief on Him. I am casting all of my cares. I am giving over to him my heart, and trusting that anything that comes we can walk togther.
And I am opening myself to loving more and with greater abandon than ever before.
