I really don't want to write this.
And I have been trying to avoid it all day.
And still, I am here at 9:30 pm. Because I am supposed to write this.
God can be so pushy. And I can be so stubborn.
I don't want to admit to this. I don't want anyone to think badly of me.
But I also made God a promise. That I would be transparent in ALL THINGS. Good and bad. Ugly and beautiful. They all have a place here.
I want you to know that I love my son. His face lights me up. His smile melts me. I HURT with loving him. Just looking at him causes a rush of nearlypainful joy.
But.
I have spoken words over him since he was 5 months old. Words about his lack of fear, his common sense, and his intelligence.
All done in a joking, loving manner. But still...the words were there.
When he throws himself off the stairs.
When he goes headfirst off his chair.
When he shows a remarkable lack of self preservation, or impulse control.
In fact, one of my favorite phrases for him is "If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough."
I have said that to him since he was 9 months old, when this daredevil attitude really took flight.
And if I could take it ALL back, I would.
Because words have power. Words cast a net and reap what you have sown.
And I have spoken less words of praise and love over my son than I have words of fear and impatience.
I know you are judging me. And I understand that. I make no excuses. My shame over this is real, and it is profound.
I have said, in his hearing, that I didn't know if he had any common sense. That I didn't know if he was smart. And that I didn't know how we would ever make it to 3 years old without a trip to the ER.
And yes, my son is impulsive and fearless. And he terrifies me with his ability to dive headlong into anything he sees or wants.
But I have wronged him with my words.
I have spoken something over him that has come to fruition.
Dumb:
1.
lacking intelligence or good judgment; dull-witted.
2.
lacking the power of speech
3.
temporarily unable to speak: dumb with astonishment.
4.
refraining from any or much speech; silent.
5.
made, done, etc., without speech.
I know I have said these things with laughter, with astonishment, and with love...but I have still said them.
And it hurts to know I have said these things to my boy, over my boy, and around my boy.
Forgiving myself is going to be a truly magnificent task.
But for now, the lesson I have taken is this: I have to, as a mother, speak over my child what I believe to be true, and only what I believe to be true. Words out of anger and frustration are destructive.
My words are as powerful to him as God's are to me. Until God speaks to Sammy in a way he can understand, I put the face to Jesus. I am His words and His hands.
And I have NOT been faithful in this. I have not done right. I have made a mess of things.
But that's the beauty of a Savior. I am corrected, convicted of my wrongs, and forgiven.
Forgiven.
And I can go forward and speak over my son only what I know to be true- that he is a creation of God, that he is smart and kind and good, and that he is perfect as he is.
2 Samuel 23:2“The Spirit of the LORD spoke through me; his word was on my tongue."
Psalm 37:30The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom, and their tongues speak what is just.
1 Peter 4:11If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
