Friday, September 7, 2012

Thank you, Lord.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for failure. For the feeling in me that I am not enough, not doing enough, not working hard enough.

Thank you for helping me to feel that I am not mom enough. Not woman enough. That my struggle to be all to all is simply a failure.

Thank you for iniquity. Thank you for frustration. Thank you for uncertainty.

Thank you for always humbling me when I feel like supermom.

I try so hard to be all, to do all. Perfect mom. Perfect house. Perfect world.

And every single time, I fail.

Because I am not leaning into you.

I am not in your word. I am not in your spirit. I am not drinking from your water.

I am thirsty God. I am weary. I am tired.

I cannot do this alone.

And I forget that so so often. I put you on the backburner. I run this race and chase my own shadow.

And I leave you, my Savior, behind.

And with a resounding crash, it all comes down. Crushing failure. A feeling of drowning. A reaching.

Reaching for you.

Reaching for your hand, your words and your love. Because through you I can do this.
I can be the mother I want to be. I can be the wife my husband needs. I can walk through each day knowing who I am.

Because you hold me above this world. You set me apart. In all things and all ways I am not just what this world expects me to be or wants me to be. I am your creation.

Beloved by you.

Strengthened by you.

Father, teach me to be less of myself and more of you. Pull away my need to be everything and replace it with need for you. Help me to be your face, your hands, your feet.

Help me to mother my children as you would have me do. Help me to teach them about you.

Lord by myself I am nothing. I am empty and impatient. I am unkind and sharp. With you I bloom into more than myself.

Live through me. Be with me. And always draw me back when I stray.