Monday is the day. The day you cross the white lines that are the beginning of your separation from me, and your beginning of yourself.
It is the beginning of your education and your ability to make friendships and have interactions I do not control.
It's the beginning of you, as a person.
I stand in front of the school supplies and debate whether the big pink erasers or pencil top erasers are best. I come to tears over which towel to use for your nap mat. I debate between two different cups for your lunch.
And the whole time I know...it's not about the erasers, the towel...the cup.
It's about this one question-
Have I loved you enough?
Have I loved you enough that when you enter those doors you will not look back for me with tears?
Have I loved you enough that your inside voice will comfort you when you feel the first stirrings of insecurity?
Have I loved you enough that the thought of my face and my voice will be enough to help you move through your day?
Have I loved you enough, Sammy boy?
Enough that when the bully pushes you, you realize that you have not only me and your father at your back, but also your Saviour?
Enough that you know that the books and papers come second to your spirit?
That you know that no matter what your score on your report card is, your kindness and your ability to love has no score?
Enough that I hold your hand tighter now, study your face in sleep, and think of your small, tender foot crossing that crosswalk with tears?
You have a feeling heart, a loving soul. You are kind and you listen to what people do not say. You are what I want to be, and you teach me what love is.
Have I given you enough of my time that you do not reach out with hands and voice for attention that will get you into trouble?
Have I taught you to put your arms around anyone crying and tell them you love them?
Have I taught your soul to be open and your heart to be softened to those around you?
Have I given you enough of myself that you take me with you, in every step and every moment we are apart?
I pray so, my love.
You are my life, and my soul. You are my everything. I have loved you every moment of your life, nurtured you with my body, shaped you with my words, and shown you with my actions who I want you to be.
Any who you are is extraordinary.
I pray that that crossing, from one world to the other, becomes a passage of safety and joy. I pray that everyday brings you new chances to learn and grow and become more of who you are.
Because you are, at heart, the purest form of love there is. Your love is fierce and joyful and you think of others everyday.
You are amazing, Sammy. Amazing. I can't wait to see what this crossing brings for you and I.
But that doesn't mean that my heart does not go with you those few steps. It does not mean that I am not considering simply following you and sitting on the stairs while you learn. It does not mean that I won't smile through tears while you walk proudly to your classroom.
But I will wave, and blow you a kiss. I will hide the tears and turn on the smile. And while you walk into your new life, I will feel the small break of my heart.
You are ready. You have everything this world needs. You are everything to me.
I will be waiting, across the crosswalk, when you are done.
My heart and my love go with you, my sweet baby boy.