Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Trust and faith

I am strong. I am strong emotionally. I know this. I can deal with anything as long as I know what it is. I can face anything head on if it has a face.

But Jesus, I can't stand uncertainty. The unknown is an absolute terror to me.

The past few days Mark has been going doctor to doctor. We still don't have any answers. His GP says it was a freak occurence and not to worry. We may never know what happened.

I cannot STAND the idea of that. I need to know. I need answers. I need a plan. I need to take action.

And I can't. I may never know.

I can feel myself slipping into depression. It is not unknown to me, this dipping below the surface into the ocean. It is as familiar to me as my hands. I know this territory, and I know I will surface again. And it is no wonder that it is happening. When confronted with something I cannot control I shut down. I am not scared of this, and I am not fighting to push it away or pull myself out of it. It simply is. Fighting against it is futile.

All I can do is process all we have been through in this past week, and find away to make peace with it. I know what I should do, hand it over to God and let him take care of it. I always plan to do that, but I snatch it back from Him to worry over it again and again. Do I love God? Yes. Do I trust Him as much as I should. No.

So here it is. I know that this will teach me something. I know I will emerge a different and hopefully better person. I know God is trying, again and again, to teach me this lesson- TRUST ME. Give it over, bring it to me, trust me. All the troubles and burdens and fear and hopelessness. He wants it. He wants to bear it with me.

But I just don't know how. How?

And more importantly- who would I be without my perpetual worry? Who would I be without my bitterness, without my baggage? THAT is the scariest part. Who would I be if the negative was cleaved away? If I was hollowed out, and gave over my pain and fear?

Scary right? Can you imagine? Can you imagine laying all of your anger and bitterness and mistrust in front of somebody and asking them to carry it? Even if they were inviting it- how would you burden them with a clean heart?

But that is just what He is asking me to do. Give it over. Wow.

I read a beautiful post on Angie's blog the other day:

If you have time to read it, it is an amazing testament to faith, and puts beautifully into words the struggle I am feeling right now.

How must it feel to just...let go? To open your arms and your heart and let the pain go? To let all of it fall away? My God, what an amazing thing. How much lighter would I be- how much more joyful?

I have felt a deep calling toward joy for a long time now. I have always believed that this is the great mark of a follower of Christ- joy. Unfettered joy. Knowing that you are loved and held no matter what. Wow. I want that.

So here we go, on another journey. I don't have all of the answers, and this scares me. But what I DO have is faith that I will be held, no matter what may come. Held, loved, and carried.

For now, that is enough.