Monday, August 10, 2009

Acceptance or perspective

I am struggling between these two things right now.

I am fighting to accept that I may feel rotten until this baby is born. I am also fighting to put that into a perspective I can deal with.

Today I went to exercise. It was brutally hot, and I was in a terrible mood. A friend asked me how I was feeling, and instead of saying "Fine, thanks." I blurted out "Terrible." and went on to explain how crappy I felt.

And then I felt so so guilty. 90 percent of me is screaming from the rooftops- "I am pregnant! I am blessed!!!" and 10 percent is sick and sad. I let that 10 percent rule my mind a little too dang much, and it makes me angry. It rules my mouth. And I am disappointed in myself.

I fully accept that feeling rotten is kinda the price you pay to have a child. I accept that. I don't like it, but I accept it. And I am realizing acceptance is not enough.

I need a new perspective.

When I was little, I was enraptured by the story of St Mary, and how when she was told she would bear God's child, she accepted it without question. She bore what could have been shame and stigma with the PERSPECTIVE that obedience is crucial. She did it out of love for her God, and for her child. Her perspective was key.

I cannot fight against being sick. It simply IS. I can fight against the thoughts that rule my mind, and the self pity. I can accept, and I can do more than that. I ca find joy. I can bear this with dignity and love. I can set my feet firmly on my path and take on anything that comes. And I can rule my mouth alot more firmly, despite what might be happening inside.

So yes, I am feeling sick. But I am also feeling so so blessed. I am joyful because I carry my baby still. And I love God for still teaching me something new about my own strength, everyday.