Friday, October 2, 2009

Where am I?

All day I am surrounded by the people I love. All day my job is to take care of those people. I do it willingly and I love it, but today I am tired and weary.

In the world of the stay at home mom, you are surrounded by need. Your child needs care, meals, clean clothes, affection, attention, entertainment...and so on. Your husband needs companionship and love and attention and sex. The house needs cleaning, organizing. The laundry needs done, the meals made. Heck, even the dang dog and fish need food.

And in all of this meeting of everyone's needs, mine get lost..alot. It's nobody's fault. It's the order of the universe. But at times it really...well, it sucks.

There used to be a time I only answered to myself. My life belonged to me. I know my life now is richer and more full, but at times I look back and wish I would have lived more fully THEN, instead of waiting for the next thing to come along. I could lie in bed and read a book all day. I could go to the movies when I pleased. I could spend my money as I wished. Getting out of the house wasn't a production. Planning a vaction wasn't a war council. Now, I am the center of many people's universe. My life and it's demands leave very little room for me. And with the impending birth of Samuel, my world and it's needs are going to grow exponentially.

Sometimes I feel that I am just mommy, or just wife. And I know this was what I choose, but if I am painfully honest I have to say I really didn't realize I would lose all of myself in the process. There is no ME in me anymore. I do what is needed, and necessary. I wash, I clean, I play, I talk, I listen. But nearly none of it is my choice. I have to justify every cent I spend, I have to make elaborate plans for childcare to go to the doctor. I have to shop and plan meals and do laundry and change diapers and feed the dog, feed the fish, turn out the lights, exercise, fold clothes, be available to everyone else and sometimes I just want to SCREAM- "STOP!!!! WHERE IS MY LIFE???!!!!"

Now trust me, I know how lucky I am. I have more than I have ever had. I know this.

But sometimes, ah gosh... I wish that somebody thought of me first. That I was top of someone's list. That I could find me, somewhere, just for a little while.

I know this is how so many other mothers feel. I feel lost in the ocean of other peoples desires and wants. I love these people, and I love to serve them- they are my family. But if I am taking care of everyone else, who takes care of me? That's a question for another day, I guess. Right now the laundry needs done, the dishwasher emptied, and the floor vacuumed.