I look at your face
your eyes
your sweet cupid bow lips
and I see
your face nestled against me
firstborn, warm from the womb
and then you speak
and I remember you are nearly 4
but always, always
I see my baby
my sweetness
the child I spent months adoring
I made you a promise
those first days
that every moment you were awake
I would be touching you
holding you
my hand on your back, your hair, your toes
the promise was for me,
really,
because I didn't know how I would do this
mothering
and touch heals
touch conveys
love
warmth
contentment
and now
I am not your center
I am not the face of God for you
I am
simply
mama.
And I know
this is good
an right
and healthy
but the pull of my sweet baby girl
the remembrance of your first breath
your body curled into mine while we rocked
your face through the bars of your crib
as I watched you sleep
it's hard for me
to give that up
so now
I watch you as you run
as you play
as you struggle to understand this world
and you become
your own center
and little by little
I let you go into this world that you belong to
as much as you belong to me
but always
and forever
you are my firstborn
the one who created in me
what I was always meant to be
mother.
