It creeps up when I least expect it, this feeling. A sadness, a defeated wilting, a barrage of anger at myself and my feeling of failure.
I wish I would have nursed Samuel longer. I feel like I failed him.
Yes, I know that is irrational. I nursed him for nearly a year. I struggled and pushed through so many trials with the nursing- the ear infections, the ear surgery, the fact that eating ang getting nourishment from me HURT him. He never loved it. I hung on to it alot longer than he did. He happily switched to bottles without a backward glance. I cried for days, and still do sometimes.
I mourn for the time that was cut short. My body needed to not nurse anymore, and he was already self weaning- but it still hurts.
Because he will not cuddle with me. He won't sit with me. He won't hug me or let me hold him. He's not a snuggler. He's a wanderer. And frankly most of the time, he prefers Mark to me.
And try as I might to not do it, I keep going back to when nursing stopped. I keep feeling as if I could have pushed through, made a way to make it work. But I didn't. I gave in. And the bond I have with him suffered.
Lily is his exact opposite in many ways. She will sit with me for hours. She will snuggle and lie with me. She happily naps with me. She tells me she loves me a hundred times a day. And she seems to really need me.
She also breastfed for 2 years, with no supplementation, no bottles or formula.
Is that the difference between them? Is my choice to stop nursing something that will carry over into our relationships forever? The thought breaks my heart.
I cannot change it now, but if I could, I would. I would spend more time lying with him, nursing him as long as he needed. I wouldn't have rushed. I would have found better ways to position him so his neck and ears didn't hurt. I would have researched medications and how to continue on.
But I didn't. And I regret it terribly.
So if you are nursing, please enjoy it. Enjoy the snuggles and the warmth and the give and take of love. Look down and watch your child as your body provides for their needs. It is a living breathing miracle we as women get to experience.
And hold onto it as long as you can.
