Dear Lily,
The day you were born was the best of my life. I had waited so so long for you. When I first looked into your eyes, the world stopped. I KNEW you. I looked at this tiny new person, and I said "Oh! Hi! I've been expecting you."
It was as if there was never a time you did not exist. And I have thought about that moment alot since. I believe, deep down in the sacred parts of my soul, that God allowed me to know you so I would keep going. That He gave me knowledge, somewhere in my soul, that you were waiting for me. That you had chosen me.
And when you were born, there was a great shift in my spirit. I knew, beyond any doubt, that I was born to be your mother. I was born to wash your tiny feet and hands, born to clothe you and carry you, and born to sit and nurse you for hours. Everything clicked, and I settled into my skin for the first time ever.
You saved me from myself. From feeling never good enough or strong enough. It wasn't about me anymore. It was about your smile, your giggle. It was about your care. It was about your comfort. In caring for you, I cared for that part of myself which came alive when you were born. I nurtured and reparented myself.
You were such a sweet baby. So small. When I had you in the sling, nobody even knew you were there. You would nestle in and sleep, or lie quietly and listen to my heart. Every night, I would make up a hot water bottle and wrap my t-shirt from the day around it. I would tuck it next to you in your bassinet, and cover the whole thing like a bird cage to keep you warm. I would sleep with my hand over your chest to feel your breathing, and to know when you cried. You were so small your cries made no noise.
I would nurse you for hours. And soon you started to grow. You left the preemie clothing behind by the time you were 10 weeks old, and we celebrated that you were in newborn clothing! You were so tiny. I should have been scared but I wasn't. You were fierce as well, a fighter. I could see myself in your stare.
You grew. And now, my sweet angel, now you are a little girl. A baby no longer. You are in school. You have little friends. You are compassionate and kind. There is not an ounce of meanness in your sweet little soul. You love everyone. You give to everyone.
You still save me, everyday. God put me here to be your mama. I know that with a clarity that I have never experienced in my life.
For so long, I was a wandering and floundering ship, tossed on waves. Until you. When you came, I found the harbor I never had before. You brought me home to a life I never knew I deserved. You are so much more than just my baby girl. You are the reason my life makes sense. You are the reason I know for certain God loves me.
So here's to four years together, you and I. The lost and the found. The saved. And the sweetest girl who saved me.
I love you to the moon, and beyond. You are my everything.
Love,
Mama
