Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Happy Pills

Am I too honest here? Do I say too much? Do I give too much away?


Because I KNOW that I am saying and writing the things some people go through and never can put into words. Or don't have an outlet for. Or don't have supportive friends or family to rally around them when they are hurting.

I know myself. I would rather shut this blog down than pretend everything is okay when it's not.


Here it is:

I have been on anti-anxiety meds for 4 years. Since Lily was 6 months old. I about lost my mind one night at 3 AM. I handed her to Mark, got in the car, and never intended on going back.

But I did go back. And the next day I saw my doctor. And got on the medication that changed my life. Literally. I was not the same person as I was before.

And in the past month I have been tapering off of these meds. Becuase I felt that they were keeping me from losing weight. And I felt, frankly, like I was weak for keeping on them.

I was 100% wrong, my friends.

I have felt, as the meds got less and less in my system, a huge weight being applied to my shoulders. Heavier and heavier, it made me stoop with the weight. It made my words negative, made my temper flare. It made me wake in the night in a sweat because I was afraid. Afraid of what, I have no idea. It made me pull over to the side of the road with both kids in the car and try to breathe. Panic and huge waves of adrenaline have gripped me at odd times and in odd places.

And worst of all, it sucked away my ability to write. I lost my words under this torrent of anxiety, and my creativity evaporated under the strain of holding it together emotionally.

All for the sake of a slimmer self.

I have felt myself drawing in like a turtle to a shell. Pulling away, having less and less to say. Negative thoughts and negative words and paralyzing fear.

And as much as I feel that it is weakness to be on these drugs, I also know that I NEED them. My body needs them. I am lacking in a fundamental body chemistry. This fills the void.

And after yesterday, I have come to a conclusion.


Go ahead and laugh. I did when I realized this. I laughed today talking with my doctor about it.

I laughed. Real laughter. Something I haven't done in a few weeks.

In the end, the decision on this medication change was taken out of my hands. I cannot function well without it. And I have to be okay with that.

And why am I telling you all of this? Why am I admitting this weakness? Because you may be in the same boat. You may be hiding the fact that you need meds. And that's okay. I get it. But you have no reason to be ashamed.

It is what it is. And I am better and stronger medicated than not. I am fuller and happier and more joyful. I am less weighed down by the world, and my patience becomes limitless.

And I can write.

So here's to medication. Necessary, needed medication. And to those of us strong enough to admit we need it, and to ask for help.