Thursday, September 1, 2011

Three Five

On Saturday, I will turn 35.


I am officially in my mid-thirties. Ten years away from 25. Halfway to death.


However, as I was thinking about this and praying over my feelings on turning 35, God pointed something out. I, of course, wanted to wallow in my old lady status, but He forced me to see things differently.

Sometimes He can be so bossy.

He told me to look around. Really look around. Away from MY feelings of getting older, and into my life as it is.

And what I realized is that I may be turning 35, but I am exactly where I want to be.

Right here, in this time of my life, I am living a dream.

Two children. A man that I have been crazy in love with for nearly 10 years. An existence comfortable enough to bring contentment, but with enough rough edges to keep me changing and evolving.

I am comfortable in my own skin. I LIKE myself. I like who I am. My heart is nearly always in the right place. I try at all times to be kind. I love fiercely. But I have enough flaws to keep myself constantly trying to be better. I make HUGE mistakes, but I try to learn from them.

I am reaching a point of loving being healthy and eating right, and loving to exercise, but to also come to terms with my roundness. To accept that I am in this body that doesn't change. And that it is okay. This has been a huge life struggle, and I feel the battle just...ending. On my terms. And that feels awesome.

I am a mother. I work at it. I am not the best mom, but I am not the worst. My kids are happy. They love each other. My daughter is kind and compassionate and ohemgee dramatic. My son is...oh boy. He is awesome and busy and wild. And I love them more than I could have ever imagined. I never for one second take for granted their love for me. I know what that love costs them, and I will never fail to return it in spades.

My husband is my best friend. There is nothing I don't tell him and nothing I cannot say. We laugh to the point of peeing. He is my first thought when I am hurt or upset. He loves me and shelters me and has never once failed me. He is my soul mate. And, he is super hunky. :)

I have great friends. Awesome, loving, kind and giving friends. We laugh. We cry. We love each others kids. It is a huge blessing.

I have a family that I have created from scratch. Patched together and ragged, but still whole and perfect.

I am at a place that the 25 year old me never ever would have imagined. I think about that girl, lonely and sad under the Nebraska sky. I remember her crying herself to sleep, wondering if this was all life was. I remember the hopelessness and the bone deep feeling of being utterly trapped by circumstance. And if I could I would go back to that girl and whisper to her of this life that holds more riches and love than she ever could have imagined. I would tell her to just hold on.

So. Thirty-five. It is more than a number or an age. It is a place marker, where I can look back at my life and say- This, THIS is where my life turned from dream into reality. This is when I was living a life I did not deserve. It's where I take a step back and thank God for what I have been given. For the love He blesses me with. For the circle of people I get to go through life with.

Thirty five is awesome.