I have been fat since I was 10. I fell, broke my ankle, and discovered sweets all at the same time. It took me one summer to become addicted to sugar.
I ate every feeling I had from then on, burying it under candy, chocolate, cookies, sweets...anything. It comforted me in the midst of some supremely uncomfortable circumstances.
I was chubby all through my teens, leaning out a few times when food was scarce or rantioned from me.
But I always went back to sugar.
I ate through a terrible marraige- stuffing pasta and sweets through a bruised and bleeding mouth far too many times.
I never exercised. I never played sports.
I can tell you that I utterly ruined myself. Without question the body I am sitting in today is of my own creation.
But seven years ago I began to change everything. My eating changed, my habits changed, and I discovered the feeling exercise can give- that rush of endorphins, the heady sense of accomplishment.
I worked out every single day before my wedding. I woke up at 5, got to the gym, busted my butt for 2 hours, and went to work.
And I never got below 200 pounds. I was toned and fit and had the stamina of a teenager, but I was still fat.
My eating morphed more and more into healthy mode- chicken, veggies, fish, fruit.
I never lost a pound.
I got pregnant with my daughter. I walked all through my pregnancy. I got diabetes. I ate nothing but cheese and veggies the last 3 months before she was born.
I weighed 232 the day I gave birth to her.
I joined Stroller Strides.
I busted my butt.
I never lost a pound.
My bp has always been an issue, and it rose steadily until I switched meds. Then it would be good for a few months, and go through the roof again.
I got pregnant with Sam. I avoided gestation diabetes through diet and exercise. I gained no weight with him. The day I delivered Sam I was 208.
I nursed him, I exercised, I ate well.
I have been exercising consistently since he was born.
My weight has climbed to where I was when I delivered Lily.
Now, alot of people will say they eat well. Many people will say they exercise vigorously. But they don't.
I DO.
I have been to 6 doctors in the past 6 years. I have been vegan, done Weight Watchers, juice fasts, eaten nothing but fruit for days. I am up to doing cardio for one hour everyday, maintaining a bpm of 150-170 the entire time. I lift weights every day. I eat less than most people I know.
But here I am. In this body.
And I hate what I see in the mirror. I cry at the sight of my stomach and my thighs. I have broken down in dressing rooms, in bathrooms during parties, in bed next to my husband.
I hate my body. And I am trapped in it, despite my efforts.
I want to be a runner. But at this weight, my ankles and feet hurt so badly I can't walk the next day. I want to be able to run after my kids. I want to look into the mirror and smile.
I want to walk Lily down the aisle at her wedding. I want to watch Sam play pro football. I want to BE THERE for them.
And at this weight, with my blood pressure creeping up, I won't be.
I WILL develop diabetes. I may have heart disease. I may stroke out. I may leave my children when they need me.
And I cannot do that. I can't. I cannot do what was done to me.
So.
In the next few months I will be having gastric bypass.
And yes, I know. I don't look like people who typically have it. My BMI is barely on the cusp of making me a candidate.
But I can say to you today, with total honesty and transparency, that I have tried everything else. Everything. I am doing all of the right things, but not getting the health results I am looking for.
It is surgery. There are inherent risks. But the risk of me carrying 100 extra pounds for the rest of my life is much much riskier.
It is painful. Recovery can be hard. I am ready to face that head on, so that 20 years from now, I am still standing at my childrens side.
I am not looking for a quick fix, or an easy fix. After all, what can be easy about major surgery? What can be easy about turning your stomach into the size of an egg, having only clear liquids for weeks, and getting incredibly sick if you eat the wrong thing?
There is nothing easy about not being able to eat sweets ever again, or to radically change my relationship with food.
I am not doing this because I dont want to exercise. I am not doing it because I need something extreme to make me eat differently.
I am doing it because I have no other choice. It is THIS, or diseases with a hugh mortality rate 10 years from now.
And I am refusing to go anywhere. I will be here for my children. I will be here for my husband. If it takes surgery, pain, and recovery to do that, so be it.
My blood will never be spilled for something greater.
I could hide this. I could not tell anyone. I considered it strongly. There is alot of shame in admitting that you cannot conquer your own body.But I have done the hard work to get here- this is just one more tool to help me achieve my goal of being healthy for the rest of my life.
And,I am going to take you with me. I am going to write about it. Because, after all, you have been with me through everything. Through birth and death and depression and joy and a thousand discoveries.
Here's another path we can walk together. Care to join me?
