Tuesday, February 28, 2012


I feel like I am a different person already. And it's not because I am down 18 lbs. It's not because my clothes fit better or I have more energy.

It's because with every pound shed, I am released from a bondage that has held me for 25 years.

Food is a prison. Eating out of anger or guilt or sadness is something I had done for so long that I didn't even realize how I relied on food to help me through emotions. And I did. Very much.

I have eaten out of pain since I was little. Boxes of mac and cheese, cookies, candy. My parents didn't give me much, but they did feed me. And food became love.

I just cringed at that last sentence. Because it sounds cliche. And it sounds like I am excusing myself. And I'm not.

I own my mistakes. I own every cupcake and cookie and candy I ate. I own the addiction to the numbing feeling food would give me.

And I also own my lonely struggle to break it. And how I could not.

The diference between before the surgery and now is that I have hope. I have hope that I will be here when my kids need me, that I will be agile and strong. That I will be fully present and un-numbed by food. That I can model an addiction free life and inner strength and reliance on God. That I will be here.

God pushed me through something I didn't know I could do- give up my crutch. He healed me from bondage. The healing took shape of incisions, staples, and blood, and pain...but it was healing none the less.

And so. Hi. It's the same me. Same face, same hands, same voice, same words.

But the inside is a different landscape, one that I am allowing God to build up at His will. I surrendered my addiction to Him. I left all of my ability to eat and feel nothing on the surgery table.

Now it is just me, inside here. Me and my thoughts. Nothing to numb them or make them become distant. And it is tough. But like many things that are hard and painful, it is worth it.

I am a new creation. To God be the glory.

2 Corinthians 5:17
New International Version (NIV)

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!