Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I know I said I wouldn't...

I said I was done. I was past writing about my lost baby, and his effect on my life.

And I was.

But today, grief reared it's ugly head.

I feel so, so sad.

I miss him. I never got to see his face, to know if he would have been dark eyed. I never got to hold my hand over him as he kicked. I never got to sit, swollen with life, his life, and enjoy the feeling of his hiccups and wanderings in my body.

I had him, for so short a time. And I miss him, terribly. I would have been close to meeting him now. Just a few months away.

Oh how I would have loved him. I just wanted a chance to hold him.

Don't get me wrong. I know how blessed I am. I have my Lily. I have my husband. I have my great and mighty God. But I long for my baby. Nothing has dimmed the longing. The sadness ebbs and flows, but nothing takes away the longing to just have held him, to show him the world, to love him.

Most days I am fine. But tonight I am filled to the brim with tears. Tonight, I laid my head down next to Lily's while she said her prayers. It's been weeks since she mentioned his name. But tonight, after Daddy, she blessed Joshua. I cried. She laid her hand on my face and told me to be happy.

And I am. I know where he is. I am happy that he is where we all long to be. But how I wish for his sweet little head to rest my lips on. I wish for his tiny feet to kiss and rub. I wish to hold him close and nurse him.

Tomorrow will come. The day will be new. But he will still be missing. From my body, from our home.

I still don't know how to make that okay.