There is a war in my heart right now.
I'm going to be really transparent here. I have been praying for a while for God to show me how to restore my relationship with my father. I've been uncertain of how to breach the void between us. I want him back in my life, even if it's in the smallest of ways.
I think of him now, in a home. Being cared for by strangers. It's what is best. But my heart ACHES for him. The thought of him being lonely crushes me. In one second I am in tears because of the isolation he surely feels. In the next, I am cursing myself for being so easy on him. After all, where the hell was he when I was lonely? When I cried? Where was he?
I asked God this today. And the answer was very difficult to swallow.
"It doesn't matter."
It doesn't matter where he was. It doesn't matter that he wasn't there. That I was alone. I can't fix that by punishing my father now.
I can only FORGIVE.
It makes me angry with God. Yes, angry. Angry that I have to swallow down so much hurt and anger. Angry that I cannot discuss this with my father, because he doesn't acknowledge that he ever did anything wrong.
I told God this as well.
"It doesn't matter that you are angry. You love him. So forgive him."
"But God, he doesn't acknowledge my hurt. That he abandoned me. He left me. He let me be abused."
"Yes he did. It doesn't matter."
"Well it matters to ME."
"And I will heal it, if you forgive him."
"But I want him to hurt and feel pain and cry like I did! It's not fair, Lord."
And that's where I am. Pulled between my soul and my heart. I can't stand the idea of him hurting, and I want to do anything to alleviate his loneliness. But I also want him to pay for what he has done to me. I want to punish him.
I can't have it both ways. The whole thing is big and ugly and weighs on me terribly.
I have to decide. Do I love myself enough to let this go? Can I reach out to him? Can I love him well now, even though he has never loved me well?
I walked through everything in my life for a purpose. I believe that. His abandonment of me made me a better mother. His alcoholism made me vigilant of myself. His cruel words and his lack of care made me hyper aware of the power of words and actions.
So in his own way, he taught me alot. Teaching what not to do is still teaching.
I know he loves me. He is a selfish, selfish man. But he loves me. And I can't help but think that with no booze to numb himself, he has had plenty of time to reflect on his life.
I don't normally do this, but will you please stand with me in prayer? That I can go forward and try to mend what is broken with honesty? That my anger and need to punish him will be conquered by love and forgiveness?
I can't do this alone. I need more than my own strength.
Thank you friends.