Thursday, September 11, 2008

Never forget.

9-11. A day my life turned, abruptly, on a dime. I've written before of my decisions after 9-11, and it does not bear repeating. My pain at that time was nothing, nothing, compared to what those families and victims felt. Nothing.

After I moved back to Nebraska shortly after, I spent alot of time alone. One day while surfing the web I came across a list of all the known victims of 9-11. I printed it out, and for nearly a year, had it with me at all times. I prayed over it, ran my fingers over the names so many times they were blurred by my fingerprints and tears. I felt in my soul that I owed my life to these people.

Seven years later, I still feel the same.

My life is a 180 from what it was 7 years ago. Where I was weak, I am now strong. Where I was compromised, I am now strengthened. Where I was silent, I now have a voice. Where I was alone, I am now loved. The woman I was then is gone, utterly. I pulled myself relentlessly toward change and growth, and I am who I am today because I let 9-11 change me and the direction of my life.

I think of 9-11 everyday. I think of the people who perished everyday. I watched as some of those people jumped to their deaths. I watched as the buildings came down. Little did I know my future was standing on the shore in Brooklyn, looking across the water at his beloved city in chaos. He was watching too. Life changed for both of us, making us both more open to embracing each other.

I will never, ever be glad 9-11 happened. I will be glad, however, that I opened my eyes that day. That I got up off the couch. That I took at good look at myself- at my bruises, at my blood. I am glad that something in my mind said "No more." And I am beyond glad that on some distant shore, my future husband opened his heart up to living life more fully, and in doing so, was able to love me when I came to him.

Seven years ago today, I took a step into the future I am living now. I hope I continue to honor those victims, by living fully each moment I have left.