Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Baby Boy

Dearest Samuel,

How can love be this sweet? How can all of the emotions I am beginning to let myself feel come up so suddenly that I am blinking away tears in the morning light? How can I run my fingers over your crib, your changing table, your little clothes and pray for your tiny little life? How is this possible? How can I be so blessed?

I don't take any moment for granted. Not one kick, not one roll or nudge. I feel everything you give to me, and close my eyes and thank God for your spirit. You are amazing already- so active and vibrant. You have a presence that speaks to me. I am so thankful for every movement- you let me know all the time that you are okay. I am not taking any of this pregnancy for granted. I enjoy all of it. All of the soreness, the small inconveniences...it means nothing compared to you. You are so loved, my sweet little son. So loved. So wanted. So anticipated.

You are coming into a family that will be kind to your spirit. We will be loving. We will treasure who you are. We know where you come from and to Whom you belong. From your father, Lily and I to your grandparents, you will be treasured.

I long for you. I think about the moment of your birth- and wonder if I will know you as I did Lily. One look at her and every piece of my life fell into place. I knew my role on this earth had been fufilled. I knew what I was born to do. I was born to be your mother, Samuel. I was born to love you and Lily. I was born to carry you, body and soul. All of my searching for meaning was over when I looked into your sister's eyes. I came home. I know it will be the same for you and I.

I realize how lucky I am. For 9 months, you are just mine. Others talk of you, doctors see you on ultrasounds, daddy feels you move. But it's me who knows you. It is a privledge to be allowed to carry life. So many others struggle with it. I know every minute how lucky I am to have life inside of me. It is a miracle.

So as God knits you together, and forms you in my womb, I will pray for your spirit. I will pray for you to always turn to family and to God when things get stormy. I will pray that you know this home is a port in the storm- a place of safety and happiness. You are so welcome here, Samuel. Welcomed into my arms, into this home, into the world, and into this family.

We are waiting and loving you, sweet baby boy.

Until I see your face...