Thursday, November 5, 2009


Today was a day of highs and lows. We had a growth scan for baby Sam, and the results were surprising.

He is nowhere near growth restricted, coming in at a whopping 2 and a half lbs, with everything else measuring exactly perfect. From the size of his little femur bone to his belly, he is at 31 percent for growth.

Why is this surprising? At this point, Lily was in the 5th percentile, falling entirely off the scale to 0 by 34 weeks. The tech said there is no doubt Sam will surpass his sister in birthweight, and if everything goes well, we will go to term.

I have never felt more blessed in my life than I did this morning, hearing my baby was healthy and growing right on track. I hadn't realized the fear I had been carrying that he would be too small.

Mark and I were discussing the differences as we looked at his pics from the u/s. This pregnancy has had far less stress. I have been emotionally in a much better place, peaceful even. I have taken better care of myself. I have been resting.

And also, at the core of this, is that I have given my baby to God. I have let go of worry about him. He is not mine, his future is not mine to decide. He belongs to God, and only God can decide his fate. I can simply keep myself as healthy as humanly possible, and pray. That's all.

After the u/s, I met friends for a picnic. We had a nice time, but on the way home I got a call.

I had hurt a friend's feelings. I had been insensitive. I had overlooked her. And I felt like hell about it.

I try to always be concious of others. I try to be thoughtful and kind. I try to give alot of myself to my friends. In this case, I got so wrapped up in my life and circumstances I let things slide.

I apologized as best I could, but I can't stand the thought of hurting anyone. I know life happens, and people hurt each other, but I have commited to being a good friend, and I hurt because I hurt somebody else.

When I came home, I talked to Mark. He always helps and listens, even when I am so weepy I make no sense. Even when my hormones make me darn near hysterical. But the thing that he pointed out to me is that no relationship can be free of conflict. Friends fight, friends make up. Hurt is inevitable, but so is growth.

So as Samuel grows, so do I. I suppose that's the way of things. Even when we think we have things figured out, we don't. When we think we are doing our best, we sometimes aren't. And when life gets complicated and difficult, it's still important to take care of the ones who take care of you.