Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Left behind

Lately, Lily and I have been holed up at home alot. It seems it's been since the beginning of my pregnancy, really. What with the morning sickness and the crud, etc, we haven't been out and about nearly enough. Not for lack of trying, of course. But after battling the sickies for 3 months on and off, we have spent way more time at home than is healthy or good for either of us.

This was apparent when I stopped at the park today to let Lily play with her friends. Everyone from SS was cooling down, doing abs, chatting, etc. Lily and I stood on the outside of the circle, waiting for class to end. These women that I love had spent the last hour working out, making themselves feel good, and I was standing there with an aching back, a stuffy head, and a ragged cough. I haven't exercised in over a week.

I just felt...lost. And sad. And lonely. Nobody made me feel that way. It was coming from myself. But it hurt. I miss being a part of something.

Then, as I watched Lily play, it was apprent she was feeling a bit of the same, and acting out because of it. I do not normally have an agressive child, but this morning she pushed, pulled, and acted downright mean. It was embarassing and frustrating.

When we got in the car, I took a minute to ask her why she was hurting her friends. She looked me in the eye and said "I don't know, mama." And I believed her. She hadn't been around these kids often enough lately to act appropriately. I realized she was probably feeling all that I had been- outside of the circle. Left behind.

Every night she asks me if we will see her friends at the park the next day. More and more lately the answer has been no. The look on her face breaks my heart. I try to explain that I have been too sick to go, but she doesn't get it. She is 2. All she knows is something very precious to her has disappeared from her life.

There's not much of a point to this post tonight I guess. I just am feeling a little sad. I don't want life to pass me by anymore. I don't want to be forgotten.

And I don't want my daughter to be either.