Thursday, July 15, 2010

6 months

Dear Sam,

Six months ago, I was sitting in a hospital room alone, watching bad tv and thinking of you. I laid my hand over your sweet spot and patted you. Your heartrate would go exceedingly high, then down to normal. Over and over. It was as if you knew something big was happening.

And the next day, it did happen. YOU happened. After a traumatic birth, you arrived, face full of bruises. You didn't cry. People rushed in and out. Their faces took the blankness of professionalism, instead of easygoing joy.

I was scared to death. I watched as they finally got you to cry, and as the nurse gave you your first feeding- glucose and formula. I was in pain and, frankly, angry that nothing had gone as I wanted it to. I collapsed into dreamless sleep.

But the next morning I went to you. I sat in the rocker in the nursery and put you to my breast. You latched on fiercely, and laid your hand over my heart. I gasped so deeply with the love I felt for you I was sure they could hear it for miles. I looked up, expecting the world to have stopped to notice my joy. Nobody paid me an attention in the nursery- they have seen it all, I'm sure. But sweet angel, I was rocked to the core with love for you. It was as if angels, rainbows, and butterflies all occupied the same space around us. It was magical.

And as much as I loved you then, I love you more now. One look at you and I am lost. Your smile is heaven. The scent of your neck, sweeter than perfume. Your disposition is so bubbly and happy. You are a true loudmouth- yelling ALL THE TIME. But it's a happy "Looka meeeee" kinda yell.

If you were dessert, you would be cheesecake. You are edible, squishy, and sweet from head to toe. You continue to grow in ways your father and I can only laugh at. Everyday we pick you up from the crib and your pajamas are suddenly too small. You kick and flail your arms as if you could fly. You inch and roll all over the house. You have two words- "Hi" and "Mama". You adore your sister and she makes you giggle until you lose your breath.

You are sunny. You are bright. You steal my breath a thousand times a day. I watch you sleep, and I want to never stop. You give me such joy, such such joy. I am in constant wonder and awe that God has graced me with you- my beautiful boy.

I wish many things for you, Samuel, but mostly I hope you hold onto your joy. I hope you keep happiness always. I hope your sunny face never loses it's light. I hope you always smile with joy when I peek over your crib rail every morning. I hope you keep growing and growing, even if I do worry about how I will ever feed you when you are a teenager. And I hope, beyond all things, that your family is always a refuge for you. That peace is yours in these walls. That you love us as deeply as we love you.

I could go on and on, my son, but the truth is that words can never adequately describe how I feel for you. You are simply my boy. My sweetest of sweets. I love you, adore you, and am blessed by you.