Dear self,
Tomorrow, your life will change in ways you would never believe. Oh, you think you're ready, and in many ways, you are. But in others your deficiency could fill oceans. What is really key here is to know everyone else has their ocean as well. Their space of unknowing. Everyone. No matter how together they look, it's there. So don't cover up your lack of knowledge, because together with other mommies, you can help fill the void in each other.
Motherhood is not for wimps. You are going to panic. You will feel utterly overwhelmed. You will be tired and worried. You will at once love and want to abandon this small being who utterly relies on you for everything. You will want to run away. Oh yes you will. You won't do it, but damn you will want to. You will sit, nursing, in your rocker...and you will look out the window and want to take off. At times, it will overwhelm you. Life will seem to go on without you outside this window, while you are a prisoner inside. It will feel endless. It's not.
There will be a morning you will glance down at Lily and she will be looking at you and smiling, just for you. And you will finally know what every mother knows- that your heart can break and fill at the same time. You will, at that very moment, connect with every other good mother in this world. You will KNOW that feeling everyone talks about. It is such a sweet burden- a beautiful collision of love and worry and fear and devotion. It can take your breath, make you hurt, make you cry with gratitude. It can make you feel like anything, any kind of love you have felt before was a shadow. And it was. No love is like this one.
This sweet child that will be born tomorrow will save you. You don't want to be saved. You don't think you need to be saved. But you will be and you need it. In the one second between her leaving your body and looking upon her face your old life will fall away. You will live for her. You will wake every night, breastfeed for 2 years, hold your tongue and reign your temper. You will weep at a glance of her face, her eyelashes spread like fans across her cheek. You will HURT with loving her.
You can stop looking for who you were supposed to be. Stop searching for what will fill you to brimming with joy. She is here- your forever. Your one thing has breath and life and a heart filled with kindness. She will add weight to your world, make every decision so much more than it was. And you will care for her, everyday, and you will know...that this is it. This is your destiny.
You are going to make mistakes. Many. Mistakes that will make you sad, make you cringe. You will raise your voice and yell. You will take frustration out on your sweet toddler. You will see her face crumble with hurt. But you will also learn the power of a sincere apology. You will ask your child's forgiveness, and she will give it. In turn, you will see her kindness bloom like a flower, and see that she gives forgiveness willingly and with love.
You will be in constant amazement at this creature you have created. But the most amazing thing you will learn is that as much as you nurture her, she nurtures you in return. She teaches as much as she is taught. She loves as much as she is loved.
God is about to become a much more real and vibrant force in your life, because you will never look at your daughter and doubt His presence again.
Love,
Your Self
