I am so angry right now. Angry enough to be shaking.
My maternal grandmother died last week. Nobody thought to inform any of her 3 living daughters of this- namely my uncle...so he could get everything he wanted out of her house before anyone found out. He cremated her and did no funeral so nobody would find out she was dead. So he could have her stuff. Classy huh?
My maternal grandmother was mentally ill- wait. No, that's not true. Many people are mentally ill but they don't commit atrocities against their children. She was evil. Demented. I cannot explain everything to you, but she is the reason my mother was who she was- scarred and sick and wounded.
She is the reason I am scarred as well- in my mind and my body. She began all of this twisted sickness. She hobbled my mother and my aunt terribly. The abuse- God, I cannot even put it into words. It is... beyond imagining.
But you know the worst part? That she never even wanted to know me. I saw her once, in passing, at age 24. She didn't acknowledge me. Wait that's not entirely true. My mother and aunt brought me as a newborn to her house. She opened the door, saw who it was, and slammed it in their faces.
But others in the family- well she was all ABOUT them. Her son- the golden boy, was treated well the entirety of his life. So were his daughters. She loved my cousin Lewis. But my Aunt and my mom and myself- it was as if we didn't exist.
It's all a fucking mess. The physical part of it- her house, everything in it, is now being fought over. But the emotional shitstorm is just as bad. If she had not abused my mother so terribly, would she have been a better mother? Would she have been bi-polar her entire life without a diagnosis? Would she have abused HERSELF so drastically that she died, riddled with lung cancer at 46? Would she have been able to love me? The disgusting creature that created all of this is gone. And those left behind all have such varying knowledge of her as a person that we cannot speak of it to each other, or help each other along with what we are feeling.
I know I should have forgiven her long ago, but when her actions continue to maim and destroy even NOW, I just can't. She created such destruction. She never apologized. She never acknowledged it. She just went on living for 80 some odd years, while my mother dided alone in a strangers house at 46. Where's the justice?
God help me. God help all of us that her lives touched- because we surely need His mercy now.
